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| Velvet Wood | 2007.07.28 - 02:26AM | 2: Chapter Two | Signed |
| Okay. Don't know if you're still bothering to read reviews on this story or not, but felt like dropping one in, anyway, just in case.
Overall, it's very good, (the four chapters that I've read so far) though it seems a bit rough. I'm guessing this might have been either one of your first pieces, or else you may have had a touch of trouble getting into it in the beginning? It definitely gets smoother as it progresses. The main area the 'stiffness' is evident is when you go inside the minds of your characters on a very personal 'showing their thoughts' level. Your dialog and descriptive passages don't have the same slightly 'forced' feeling... as dialog is usually the hardest thing for people, that says good things about your potential as a writer. Good work!
The one thing I do take issue to, however, is the same comment someone else already did. "...they'd seemed to be begging for it by the end." However, I don't object that he wouldn't have done that... or even that honorable men just don't. An honorable man (even if it had been done at the time he was working as a spy and had somewhat regained his honor) could theoretically find himself in a situation where committing rape is the lesser of two evils -- say, when you know that if you're discovered as a spy, the war could be lost and the whole world could come under the whip of an insane psychopath with delusions of grandeur. So I agree that he would have done it, and can be potentially non-evil at the same time.
However -- sorry, but while one in a thousand or so may have been emotionally messed up enough to end up 'begging' for a rape, and probably about 20% max could experience the not-unheard-of case of physical arousal during rape due to an actual documented physiological response that some women have to fear, the vast majority would not feel anything other than fear, pain, humiliation, anger, or grief. Even those who did become unwillingly aroused would not 'beg for it'. Women, despite what porn mags and romance novels would have you believe, are not slaves to their genitalia. We do not become irresistibly aroused just from penetration and in-and-out motion within our vaginas. The majority of women cannot reach an orgasm without clitoral stimulation (and most women are built in such a way that, in general, plain penetrative sex doesn't give them that), and an estimated 50% of women between the ages of 18 and 38 have never had an orgasm during sex, even when they've been trying hard and wanting to... I can't recall the exact number, but some ridiculous percentage have never had an orgasm _at all._ It doesn't matter how good of a lover he is, the fact is that there are very, very few women (like I said -- one in a thousand is a _generous_ estimate) who would become strongly aroused by being raped, particularly under the kinds of ultra-violent, cruel, and humiliating conditions they were likely to have taken place.
Plus, even if he's an out of this world, amazing, fantastic, superb love-god of a man, he would have absolutely no _reason_ to use those skills while raping Muggle women in the mud while on raids. This isn't an act of seduction, the purpose is not to arouse the female. It's pure violence, for the purpose of proving his cruelty to his master, and, at that master's wishes, degrade and destroy people. No man is such a good fuck that he's going to 'accidentally' cause a woman to get turned on to the point of begging while her family is dead or dying around her and she knows she's next. Furthermore, even if he were using his best sexual skills on a rape -- and why would he bother even if he thought Voldy wouldn't kill him for it? -- where is he supposed to have acquired said skills? Rape certainly doesn't teach you to be a good lover, nor do concubines who know their life depends on pleasing and flattering you. Prostitutes could, theoretically, but it's highly unlikely because while an insulted, disappointed john isn't quite as likely as a pissed off Death Eater to kill you, he's also not very likely to _pay_ you either. Sure, some men are born with the potential for great natural talent -- but not _that_ great, and it still needs a conscious effort on his part, and honest feedback on the part of a partner or two, to actually fulfill that potential.... and if he'd done so, believe me -- he sure as hell would not _ever_ have had to pay for sex, it doesn't matter _what_ he looks like. So unless you're stipulating that either a)there's a spell at work, in which case it should be stated there somewhere, because he wouldn't be taking credit for it if it was the spell that caused it, at least not in his own _head!_, or b)he's really, truly, _seriously_ deluding himself as to his skills, this statement is so ludicrously impossible as to be jarring. And there's no real _reason_ to include it. It doesn't add anything except to make him look not just arrogant but delusionaly so, and it since it is such a preposterous claim, it makes it seem that you, the author, are lacking in knowledge in this area. I know very few people who want readers' response to their work to be, "Yep. This guy's a virgin, all right," or, "Poor chick has read way too many romance novels & had way too little actual sex." To be blunt, it reads like a statement out of typical male-wish-fulfillment type porn, and I don't think that's what you're trying for here. I hope not, anyway, because there's so much excellent potential here that that would just be a sad, terrible waste.
Anyway, if you are still reading these, the story is _still_ very good work. Needs a bit of polishing, and that one line is very off-putting, but overall it's very well done. I'm looking forward to finishing it. Author's Response: Yes, this is one of the first stories that I've ever written, and I'm well aware that it could use some polishing. However, I've not time to come back and rework 300, 000 words. I look at my fiction writing as a learning experience, and I've written about 75 stories since this one, progressing all the while--or so I'd like to think. As far as his rape statement, I didn't intend that to be sexy. That's just the man in him trying to make himself feel better about something horrifying that happened. Some people try to justify things in different ways. And I never described what he did, so it's likely the attacks were not exactly what you've imagined (location, penetration without stimulation, etc.). Being I didn't truly go into it at all, I don't feel the need to clarify anything further. I'll leave that up to the reader to decide. If it doesn't work for him / her, so be it. You needn't go into statistics with me about rape or molestation. I assure you that I have been in situations like this before, sadly enough, and being aroused without truly wanting to be does happen. And to me, that makes it all the more horrifying--the shame, the guilt, the disgust. For a better view of how I see rape, I invite you to read my story "Dark Desecration," which is a realistic take on things and where nothing is glorified. Keep in mind that just because something is normally the typical reaction, it doesn't always happen that way. In my later writings, I would never stoop to such cheesy lines, I'm certain, having learned better ways to express myself. Thanks for the advice. I do appreciate them, but I'm pretty certain I've overcome some of the things you've mentioned here. And, of course, I'm still reading my reviews. It just takes me a while to get to them most of the time, as I've many things to do (current stories, running archives, etc.). | |||
| Daintress | 2007.07.26 - 08:43PM | 51: Chapter Fifty One (Epilogue) | Signed |
| Wow! Reading on and off, it took me two days to get through that. I wonder, have you put up the sequel yet? Suppose I ought to just go find out. :)
Very nicely written. No story this long has kept my interest since 'But You Alone.' I really enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing your talent. Author's Response: Thanks so much. I appreciate the comments and am happy that you enjoyed it. :) This is my first hg/ss that I wrote, and it holds a special place in mah heart. Teehee | |||
| mego_0801 | 2007.04.08 - 02:42PM | 51: Chapter Fifty One (Epilogue) | Signed |
| Wow... it's been a long time since I read this story. You might remember me... I was 'lil_jouett', but now i'm in college and not little anymore!!! Lol! I'm sure i've already said this, but you rock! Tee-hee.
Great story, once again.
Love- Mego Author's Response: I do remember you. Hiya! How's it going? I wondered where you'd gone to. I know you had computer issues a while back. | |||
| Caliga | 2006.09.19 - 05:07AM | 51: Chapter Fifty One (Epilogue) | Signed |
| Southern~
Wow, such a complete story! I wonder just how long it would be if printed as a book, surely it is as long as some of the Cannon books. I can't believe it took me this long to stumple upon your stories. You are a great writer! I love how you are able to combine enough subplots to keep us constantly interested through each chapter, but you don't confuse us with unneccessary info. I've been trying to write a story myself written from everyone's POV at different time. I was getting frustrated trying to make it work but your story is a great example to learn from. Thank you so much for the story, It's entertained me for a good week or two! It was so hard to peel myself away to carry on with real life outside of this fandom world! You do an excellent job of making the characters cannon, and have them slowly change as time goes on. I really enjoyed all about the myths, Harry's powers, Hermione's new abilities, bella becoming a snake, Jealous Snape, the professors' lives behind closed doors, all the plotting the characters do behind each other's back, and OF COURSE the Smut scenes!!!! Thanks again for a great read! I look forward to spending many more evenings wrapped up in your other stories! Author's Response: It's a bit longer than some books, according to the word count. LOL I got a bit carried away! :) Good luck with your story. Sometimes it's frustrating to get the right things to come out. :) | |||
| Caliga | 2006.09.19 - 05:06AM | 51: Chapter Fifty One (Epilogue) | Signed |
| Southern~
Wow, such a complete story! I wonder just how long it would be if printed as a book, surely it is as long as some of the Cannon books. I can't believe it took me this long to stumple upon your stories. You are a great writer! I love how you are able to combine enough subplots to keep us constantly interested through each chapter, but you don't confuse us with unneccessary info. I've been trying to write a story myself written from everyone's POV at different time. I was getting frustrated trying to make it work but your story is a great example to learn from. Thank you so much for the story, It's entertained me for a good week or two! It was so hard to peel myself away to carry on with real life outside of this fandom world! You do an excellent job of making the characters cannon, and have them slowly change as time goes on. I really enjoyed all about the myths, Harry's powers, Hermione's new abilities, bella becoming a snake, Jealous Snape, the professors' lives behind closed doors, all the plotting the characters do behind each other's back, and OF COURSE the Smut scenes!!!! Thanks again for a great read! I look forward to spending many more evenings wrapped up in your other stories! Author's Response: ~grin~ sees double~ lol Thanks again. :) | |||
| sunkisked | 2006.09.17 - 07:49PM | 1: Chapter One | Signed |
| I LOVE this story, it is as fantastic as the published romance novels that I've read by famous authurs, if not better.
When and were can I find the follow up story to this one? I am just dying to know what happens between Draco, Ron, and Luna; What the future holds for Victors child and how it fares with the Succubus raising it; What happens between Harry and Ginny, how their child plays a part in the next Dark Lord. I just have so many questions, that are just awaiting to be answered.
Please write back if you have a chance to.
Thank you,
sunkisked Author's Response: Thanks so much. I have such great plans for Draco, Ron, and Luna. I need to get my arse up and do it, huh? :) I will be starting it soon, I hope. | |||
| Soul Bound | 2006.09.16 - 09:32AM | 25: Chapter Twenty Five | Signed |
| I want that spell taken off Hermione! lol Author's Response: nooooo :) Teehee | |||
| Soul Bound | 2006.09.16 - 03:16AM | 8: Chapter Eight | Signed |
| Well done. Author's Response: Thank you for reading. I appreciate it. :) | |||
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