Author's Notes: Thanks ever so much to harmony_bites for challenging me to write this final installment to my Sponge Bath series. I've had a ton of fun with these, and I think this wraps things up nicely. Another thanks to harmony_bites for her beta. If you haven't read The Sponge Bath and The (Not So) Long Awaited Sponge Bath Sequel, you'll need to do so first. Otherwise, this little bit of fluff won't make sense.

Disclaimer: HP doesn't belong to me; JKR owns all the rights.

---

A Serious Medical Condition


“Oh, for the love of… Hermione! Hermione!”

“Why are you yelling like a maniac, Severus?”

“If you’d stop blathering for one moment, you’d see I’m lying on the floor motionless.”

“Blathering? Well, you can keep lying there, then.”

“No, wait, Hermione. You’re not going to leave your husband of twelve years on the floor like this, are you?”

“I can’t hear you over my blathering, Severus.”

“Damn it, woman, I have a serious medical condition.”

“Well, that’s too bad, isn’t it?”

“I…”

“Yes…”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to sound sincere, that’s fine.”

“You got an apology. Now help me.”

---

“Aren’t you going to take me to the hospital?”

“No. I’m going to put you in our bed and take care of you at home. There’s no need to terrorize the new Healers who just got away from you.”

“I’m the best teacher in this institution.”

“You’re the most dreaded teacher.”

“Same thing. What are you doing to me?”

“What do you think I’m doing? I’m wrapping a blanket around you.”

“You have me wrapped in this thing like it’s a shroud.”

“I’ve done it wrong if it’s supposed to be a shroud. I should have started with your mouth.”

---

“Don’t you have to go to work, Hermione?”

“I’ve taken time off so I can take care of you.”

“I’ll be fine on my own.”

“Do you think I actually trust you by yourself? Last time you used wandless magic and made yourself worse.”

“Well, if your ‘cures’ actually worked, I wouldn’t keep going through this.”

“You’re an infuriating man.”

“I try.”

“You realize I still have complete control over the temperature of your bath water.”

“You’re a cruel, spiteful woman.”

“I’ve had to learn, living with you for the last twelve years.”

“I’m a better teacher than I thought.”

---

“What in the name of Merlin is that?”

“What are you on about today, Severus?”

“You’re wearing one of those horrible things again.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t give me that innocent look, Hermione. You know that you promised me you’d never wear a turtle neck again.”

“Severus, this hardly qualifies as a turtle neck.”

“It has a neck! It’s a turtle neck.”

“It is not! It’s a mock turtle neck.”

“I don’t care what you call it; it has a high neck. We’ve already established that you aren’t to wear those. Don’t give me that look. You promised.”

---

“Good morning, Severus.”

“Good. You got rid of that atrocious jumper.”

“Of course I did, darling. You detest turtle necks.”

“What are you planning to do to me?”

“Whatever do you mean, dearest?”

“Stop patronizing me. I know that tone of voice. It’s dangerous.”

“Dangerous? Me?”

“Any man who hears that tone of voice from his wife knows to run. I, however, am not in the position to remove myself from harm’s way. Explain your intentions.”

“My only intentions are to make you comfortable.”

“You didn’t!”

“Didn’t what, dear?”

“You spelled your shirt not to gape when you bend over.”

---

“You look ill, Severus. Are you all right?”

“You’re torturing me on purpose. In the Muggle world, I’d have you arrested for spousal abuse.”

“Yes, they’d take me away for feeding you, dressing you, and bathing you. I’d be locked up for a long time.”

“Any man would agree that spelling a shirt not to gape is torture.”

“If anyone had told me I’d end up with you or that you were a sexual being, I’d have hexed them.”

“I never thought of you as a sexual being either until you bent over in front of me the first time.”

---

“You’re a terrible man!”

“You married me; what does that say about you?”

“You… you…”

“Count to three; take a deep breath. You cannot kill your patient.”

“I can kill my husband.”

“I’m fairly certain that’s still a punishable crime.”

“When the Aurors arrived to investigate, they’d label the situation as a special circumstance. Remember, you taught all the current Aurors except three.”

“You’d miss me.”

“Not really.”

“Admit it; you’d miss me.”

“Fine. I’d miss you. But not your moaning and complaining. Really, how did you manage as a spy?”

“You’ve changed me. Congratulations. Isn’t that every wife’s dream?”

---

“What are you doing, Hermione? Is that cold water? You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, yes I would.”

“You sleep here too. You wouldn’t want to soak your own bed.”

“I can use magic on the objects around you, just not on you.”

“Come now, Hermione, I’m a sick man. What about your oath never to harm?”

“Cold water won’t hurt you. Besides, you’re about as sick as I am. I know you’re doing this to yourself.”

“You think I’m causing myself to be ill? How did you come up with that hare-brained idea?”

“You talk in your sleep, Severus.”

“Damn it all.”

---

“Ouch! That really hurt!”

“Stop being such a baby, or I’ll tell your students.”

“They’re as scared of you as they are of me. Why do you think illnesses have dropped since you took over in the hospital wing? They’d believe you are worse. They might even pity me and start behaving in class. You should tell them.”

“I hate it when you do that.”

“What?”

“Make me not want to do what I want to do.”

“That made no sense.”

“It made perfect sense. What doesn’t make sense is why you’ve been doing this to yourself all these years.”

---

“Tell me, Severus. Why have you been doing this to yourself?”

“You’re so much fun when you’re being professional.”

“What?”

“Don’t you remember how we first met?”

“I was eleven. You were my evil Potions professor.”

“No, how we really met—past a student/teacher relationship.”

“How could I forget? You made more work for me than my other patients combined.”

“You were trying your best to be professional. I had to bait you to get to know you.”

“You mean you enjoy aggravating me so much you’ve been paralyzing yourself simply to aggravate me some more?”

“Ten points to Gryffindor.”