AN: I found this pick-up line challenge on fanfiction.net (hence the silly pick-up lines.) The details are at the bottom. This is one of my first attempts at such a piece of fanfiction. Please be kind.
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The absolute last place Severus Snape ever thought he’d be was a Valentine’s Day Single Wizards Mixer at The Three Broomsticks. But sometimes life, and Albus Dumbledore, has a funny way of making people do things they never thought they would. In the wake of the Dark Lord’s defeat, Dumbledore had requested, in that that way of his that actually means forced, some of the overworked staff members, including Severus, to take the night out, suggesting that the mixer would be fun. This is how Snape came to be literally drug into Hogsmeade by Dumbledore, Lupin, Hagrid, and Flitwick.

Snape had no intention of having fun, as he sat alone in a large corner booth. He was well into his third glass of Firewhisky as he watched the other wizards mingle among the single witches trying out their best lines. The thought that any of those men with which he came might actually be successful made Severus shudder, beating away the mental images of Dumbledore and Hagrid, or Merlin forbid, Flitwick, snogging some desperate witch. Speaking of snogging a witch, although he’d sooner die than admit it, that was really why he was so irritable about this misadventure. He was lonely and Valentine’s Day is, of course, the worst day to be lonely on. What made the situation even harder, were his new found unreturned feelings for Hogwarts' new Muggle Studies professor, one Miss Hermione Granger. Somehow in the matter of a summer, she had gone from teenage-bane-of-his-existence to intelligent-adult-colleague and Severus hated himself for noticing. It was then that he realized that Hermione had somehow escaped Dumbledore’s idea of staff fun. She probably had a date, Severus thought, most likely Potter or Weasley. His train of thought was soon derailed by the approach of Lupin with Ron Weasley and Harry Potter in tow.

“I found a couple of blokes who’d like to say hello,” Lupin said with a grin a mile wide on his face.

“Hello, Snape!” They chimed as they scooted into booth from opposite sides so as to surround Severus. They had recently decided to approach relations with their former professor in the ‘kill him with kindness vein.’ Snape could only sneer at the boys. Lupin knew full well that he was having a miserable time and yet he chose to continue to rub salt in the wound in such a manner.

“Potter, Weasley, aren't there any members of the feminine gender here for you two to accost, or have you finally admitted the true nature of your relationship?” Severus smirked as he took another gulp of his drink and Lupin seated himself next to Harry. Harry chose to ignore the remark.

“Actually, Professor,” he began, “we were just beginning to form a game plan to win over that lovely witch sitting alone at the bar.” Severus looked across the room and for the first time noticed a rather petite blonde witch. While strikingly beautiful, Severus didn’t doubt for an instant that she was probably lacking in the brains department, as that had always been his experience with beautiful women, Hermione excluded.

“Oh, really,” Severus started, “and just which of you charming fellows will the lady be so lucky as to receive attention from?”

“That’s just it. They’ve been fighting over her all evening.” Lupin commented.

“I’ve got an idea!” Ron exclaimed.

“Don’t be so excited. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and again.” Severus smirked and Ron fumed.

“C’mon Ron, what is it?” Harry begged.

“Well, why don’t we make a game of it and let her decide?” Ron said.

“Just what kind of game do you mean?” Lupin asked.

“We each approach her with a pick up line and who ever talks to her the longest wins.” Ron explained.

“I’m in! How about you Remus?” Harry said.

“I’m too old for a witch like that.” Lupin shrugged.

“What Lupin, afraid to be beat by a couple of boys?” Severus jeered.

“Does that mean you’re playing their game?” an astonished Lupin questioned.

“I could be tempted if only to prove I’m still in better form than you.” Severus said.

“This is getting interesting. Why don’t we let Albus and the others in on it too?” Snape was about to question subjecting the poor girl to that, but Lupin was too quick to call the others over. Dumbledore, Hagrid, and Flitwick arrived at the table; Lupin explained what was happening; Dumbledore proclaimed it to be a “fabulously fantastical form of fun” (it was a little known fact that Albus became rather alliterative when tipsy.) They drew straws to determine order of approach and the game was afoot.

Hagrid was the first to cross the room to the girl at the bar. “Excuse me, miss?”

“Yes,” the blonde replied.

“So you’re a girl, huh?”

“Yes… and…?” the now slightly confused blonde replied.

“Nothing.”

“Okay…” she said.

“Well, g’night” Hagrid said as he walked back to the table. “How long was that?” Hagrid asked the guys.

“Less than a minute,” Ron told him. Hagrid slumped dejectedly into a chair near the booth.

“It’s my turn,” Harry proclaimed. “It won’t be necessary for the rest of you to try so you might as well go home now.” With that he crossed to the girl at the bar.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi.”

“Y-y-you’re so fine y-y-you make me s-s-stutter. W-w-what’s y-y-your name?”

“I’m sorry I have to ask this, but was that a line?” the bemused blonde asked.

“Yes,” Harry replied crimson faced.

“It was terrible. You really need some practice. Maybe there’s a book on the subject?” she offered.

“Maybe, good night I guess” Harry said as he walked away defeated.

“I don’t even want to know,” Harry said as Ron started to tell him how long he had been away.

“Well, you were over there longer than Hagrid.” Lupin offered.

“Thanks, I suppose.”

“Ronald, it’s your turn to try lad,” Dumbledore prompted. Ron tried to look confident as he approached the woman but he knew this would be rough if Harry had failed.

“Hullo,” he said.

“Hi.”

“I’d like to ask you something.”

“Okay…” she hesitated.

“There’s this Muggle movie I’d like to go see and my mom said I couldn’t go by myself…”

The blond burst forth with uncontrollable laughter. She really wanted to let him down easily but that line had been too much. She would have asked him if he wasn’t too old for such a problem but by the time her laughter was controllable Ron had gone back to the table of wizards.

“She’s downright cold, blokes!” Ron proclaimed.

“You simply lack the experience to handle such a woman, Ronald. Here, watch me.” And with that Dumbledore crossed the room to the girl at the bar.

“Good day for weather, isn’t it?” he asked.

“Excuse me? Whatever do you mean?”

“Lemon drop?”

“No thank you.”

“Oh, okay, well then, good evening.” Dumbledore then went back to his colleagues and friends.

“She is downright cold! Didn’t even want a lemon drop!” he proclaimed to them.

“Perhaps she’s learned not to take candy from strange men and speaking of strange men, Flitwick fellow, it’s your turn.” Severus sneered. Flitwick gulped and jumped down from his booster seat to take the long walk across the bar.

“Excuse me,” he said. The girl swiveled on her bar stool completely missing seeing him. “Down here, miss.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said.

“Don’t be. I know I don’t look like much now, but I’m drinking milk!”

“I award points for originality, but really, you’re not my type.”

“Good night then,” Flitwick said dejected.

“Good night.” The diminutive professor then moped back to the table.

“Sorry about that chap. I think we’re just playing out of our league here,” Lupin consoled Flitwick as he helped him back into his booster seat.

“Speak for yourself, Lupin. Does that mean you’re passing your turn?” Snape smirked.

“Not a chance, Snape!” he answered as he got up from the table and crossed to the bar.

“Good evening,” he said.

“Good evening.”

“Do you mind if I sit down?”

“No, go right ahead.” Lupin pulled up a barstool. Back at the table, jaws were hitting the floor.

“I’ve got to know something.”

“Really?”

“Yes, did you invite all these people? I thought it was just going to be the two of us?” he asked with a wink. She smiled.

“Well, I give you credit. That’s the best line any of your friends have come up with so far. Not that it has been tough competition.”

“I’ll take whatever credit I can get.” He touched her arm and she smiled.

“You’re very nice and if I wasn’t expecting someone else I’d certainly continue this. I can’t though.”

“I appreciate the honesty, hun.” Lupin said as he patted her on the arm and got up from the stool. A pang of guilt shot through the blonde as she watched him walk away. She wasn’t really expecting someone else; she was merely hoping to run into a particular someone else.

“Well, throw in the towels boys. She just told me she’s waiting on a bloke.” Lupin announced to his mates.

“Oh, for Merlin’s sake, Lupin, don’t you know a line when you hear one? She saw those cute eyes of yours and wanted to be polite. Let me have my go!” And with that Severus stalked across the room with his Firewhisky in hand.

“Snape is going to hit on a girl.” Ron said awe struck.

“He said I have cute eyes,” Lupin said in an even more bewildered state.

Over at the bar, without even looking at the girl, Severus took a seat on the barstool Lupin had just vacated.

“Miss?”

“Yes?”

“I feel the need to apologize for the earlier actions of my acquaintances.”

“You do?”

“Yes, their behavior was completely uncalled for.”

“This isn’t going to turn into another bad pick up attempt is it?”

“Not at all,” he said. She gave him a quizzical look. “Don’t misunderstand me,” he added, “You are very pretty. It’s just that… I have interests in other areas.” The blonde almost choked on her drink.

“You like men!?!” she asked, and it was his turn to gag on his drink.

“NO!”

“Oh,” she replied looking a bit relieved. She then asked, “So, what are these other interests?”

“That’s not really something I talk about with anyone, much less a stranger.”

“Have you ever seen me before?”

“No.”

“Do you think you’ll see me again?”

“I suspect not.”

“Then why not unburden yourself?”

“You do have a point.” The alcohol was loosening his tongue and Severus found he didn’t care.

“I know. Now back to your interests,” she said.

“Actually, it’s a singular interest. One ravishing, intelligent young woman, who will never see me as anything other than her snarky former professor.”

“How do you know?”

“Trust me, I know. I see her everyday.”

“Everyday? She must enjoy your company.”

“We work at the same place.”

“Oh.”

“Oh, is right. Everyday is pure torture.”

“Is she beautiful?”

“Very, she has the most gorgeous curly chestnut hair you can imagine, but her brain is what sets me afire. She’s affected me so that I’ve gone so far as to pour my heart out at a singles’ party on Valentine’s Day.” The barkeep refilled his glass and Severus downed it in a few gulps.

“What’s her name?” she asked. Severus looked into her eyes and something told him to tell her against all his better judgment.

“Hermione.” The blonde choked on her drink again. “Are you alright?” he asked.

“Fine.”

“I think that’s a sign I’ve worn out my welcome. Goodnight miss.” With that, Severus walked back to the table of wizards. The blonde witch wasn’t far behind him; she addressed the group before Severus could open his mouth.

“I want you all to know that you provided a very interesting distraction for me tonight.” Then, with a flick of her wrist, the glamour disguising her faded away. There, before her colleagues and friends, stood Hermione Granger. The shock could not have been greater. Hermione took advantage of this to reach up on her tip-toes and place a kiss on Severus’ cheek. “But Severus won,” she announced, leading him to the door.

“We hit on Hermione!” Ron exclaimed.

“Severus hit on Hermione,” Harry pointed out.

“And she liked it,” Ron added.

“Snape said I have cute eyes,” Lupin pondered.


The End
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AN: The challenge was as follows:

Challenge: The Worst Pick-Up Lines Ever...
but hey, it doesn't hurt to try.
-Hermione has to be of age. Whether the story happens post-Hogwarts or not is up to you.
-At least six wizards, including Severus, are all dateless on that day. They gather together in some sort of pub or restaurant and whine about finding no date. These wizards cannot be O/C, but who this group consists of is up to you.
-Hermione is in the same pub or restaurant, alone or with one female friend. She has put on a charm on herself willingly, so that she is very pretty and unidentifiable. Whether the reason behind this, be it her own or her friend's idea, is included is up to you.
-The wizards notice the beauty of her, and go to her one by one and attempt to start a conversation with pick-up lines. The reason for they to do this can be (but is not restricted to) a bet/ a dare/ a challenge of who gets the pretty girl. The reason must be included.
-Hermione may or may not enjoy the attention. However, whatever she (and her friend) does, she does not snap and say 'sod off.' Our Hermione is more witty and elegant than that. What she says to the wizards will be a good time for you to show her wits and sense of humor.
-Between the pick-up lines there may be subtle hints and poking fun of sex, but please, don't resort to blatant statements of obscenity. Our Severus (and most wizards that we like enough to put into our stories) will not go up to a girl and say "hey baby, wanna have lots of wild sex" The pick-up lines are supposed to show, again, their wits, humor, and most of all, silliness.
-Yes, pick-up lines are silly. The story must include at least six bad, really bad pick-up lines.
-Severus is the only one in the group that is allowed to know that the girl is really Hermione in disguise beforehand. Whether he knows this or not is again your choice. He is also the only one allowed to discover her disguise in the middle of the story.
-Severus may or may not be already dating Hermione. A reason must be included why aren't they spending Valentine's together if he is. If he is not, he must at least be harboring some feelings for the undisguised her.
-Severus must be the one who ends up going out with Hermione.
-In the end, Hermione must lift the charm and reveal herself to Severus (if not to everybody). Whatever Severus' initial response is, the ending must not be him leaving her, feeling betrayed. He may be shocked, but remember, he has feelings for Hermione. They story must end with them, if not becoming an item and kissing madly, at least being happy.
-If for any reason the group of wizards has to include Voldemort, Lucius and Draco Malfoy, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew or the like, the reason must be given.
　
Optional:
-The group of wizard, by some way or another, listens to each other's pick-up line and laugh.
-Severus being reluctant to join the game
-Severus saying the worst pick-up line ever and getting Hermione
-Heart-shaped chocolates, white and pink roses, jazz, and perfume
-A romantic lighting rather than candles
-Severus getting jealous