Irreconcilable Differences
By Scarlet Siren

Disclaimer: Characters within are the property of J.K. Rowling, etc. No infringement intended, no money being made.

A/N: This is my (very late) response to the Le Divorce Challenge, issued at WIKTT. It's my first foray into the Harry Potter universe, so I'd love to hear your thoughts. Pure fluff, all in good fun.

Words meant to be italicized are typed like *this.* I apologize for the inconvenience, but I have no clue how to preserve these things when submitting (I use Word). Any thoughts?

Additional notes to follow...



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Divorces in the Wizarding world are a rare occurrence. So much, in fact, as to be almost unheard of. As any self-respecting house elf would refuse a set of nifty new clothes, so any witch or wizard of name and consequence would scorn the mere *thought* of dissolution of marriage. Such a prospect amongst even the very bottom of the Wizarding caste system would erupt into a media frenzy of such epic proportions, it would make the coverage of Wonder Boy's defeat over Voldemort look like the Christening of a Muggle dinghy.

Such was the fate of Severus and Hermione Snape.

Three years of blissful matrimony soon gave way to petty squabbles and half-sincere death threats. It all came to a head one fine October afternoon at the Ministry of Magic...


~*~


Professor Granger-Snape glanced at the charmed hourglass on the wall of the Hearing Room for the tenth time and clucked.

"He's late, of course," she complained to Fleur Delacour in a crisp, put-upon voice as if to say, "You see? You see what I've had to endure with this man?"

Hermione's carefully selected witness shook her head and sighed. "'Ees not late yet, 'Ermionee."

But Hermione, a stickler for punctuality since her prompt emergence from the womb, sat rigidly in her chair and ground her teeth. She would hear none of that.

"It's just the sort of display of blatant disrespect Severus delights in, you know. He thinks he's so damned superior. 'Why should I follow the same rules as everyone else?'" she sneered, looking remarkably like her husband. "'I'm a bleeding war hero!' Humph! War hero my arse. Do you know where he was during the final battle?" she demanded.

Fleur rubbed the bridge of her nose, preparing for yet another rant concerning Professor Snape's absence during the last few (yet crucial) moments of the war.

"He was in the loo, that's where! And now he hasn't even the decency to appear on time here. I'm insulted." Her eyes spit amber fury as she glared at the reporters and curiosity-seekers around her. "The whole court should be insulted!" she exclaimed loud enough for the entire room to hear. Conversation in the large hearing room came to an abrupt halt. Fleur shushed her, flushed with embarrassment.

It was at that moment that Severus Snape, feared professor and former Death Eater, made his entrance. Hermione's mouth dropped open. In a million years she couldn't have imagined this broken-looking man, shuffling down the aisle, dejected and full of humility, was the same man she threw a jar of Hippogriff excrement at not twenty-four hours ago. He sighed as he reached the front of the room and took his seat next to Remus Lupin, his own witness to the divorce, and settled into an uncharacteristic slump.

"Let the record show that Professor Snape was in attendance at precisely twelve o'clock," Albus Dumbledore said, eyes leveled disapprovingly at Hermione. She shrank ever so slightly in her chair and looked over at Severus. He looked miserable. An unexpected pang overtook her as she watched him, anger softened by concern for his well-being.

Oh, gods -- was it possible she making a huge mistake?

No sooner than the paralyzing doubt crept in, Severus turned to face her, cocky sneer in place. She stiffened in her seat and scowled, irritated she'd allowed him to make her doubt herself. More than that, she knew that look, and it was *never* a good thing. He was up to something. Damnable, scheming Slytherins.

Albus Dumbledore cleared his throat. "As you both can see, several members of the Wizengamot have opted not to sit these proceedings."

Indeed, there was less than a quarter of the Council's fifty members present. Hermione assumed many of the older wizards disapproved, as divorces were as frowned upon in the Wizarding world as they were encouraged in the Muggle one. No matter -- it only took five votes among the topmost-ranking witches and wizards present on the panel to approve the divorce.

Dumbledore eyed the couple seriously.

"This is a highly irregular procedure, you realize. Divorces, when granted, are final. There will be no turning back. Do you understand this?"

They nodded.

"And you both wish to proceed?"

Each cast a subtle, sideways glance at the other, curious to see their reaction, then nodded once more.

The older man sighed. "Very well." With a wave of his hand, a podium appeared before them. A piece of parchment and silver-plated quill rested atop this podium, allowing everyone below a peek at the central attraction of the whole affair. The writing upon it glowed red-orange, as if on fire.

It's the Dissolution Decree, Hermione realized, suddenly feeling a bit queasy. This was it -- the end of what was once a very happy marriage. Coldness gripped her stomach and she felt lightheaded just looking at the hateful piece of parchment. She looked away, firmly reminding herself that this was how it had to be.

Severus, on his side of the room, glared at the podium. All that was left to do was sign the parchment, with the Court's approval and Lupin and Delacour as witnesses, and that would be that. He looked at Hermione, who was pointedly looking down at the table. Not for the first time, he doubted the intelligence of their actions.

"I have before me your petitions for divorce. I do, however, have a problem with your reasons for this action. Severus, you replied that your grounds for dissolution are that Madam Granger-Snape is," here, he readjusted his half-moon glasses and peered solemnly at the paper before him, "a 'soul-sapping shrew who is out to destroy your life.' Hermione, your justification for this action is that Severus is a 'heartless, controlling bastard with misogynistic tendencies. Also, that he is bleeding your will to live.'"

He cleared his throat and gave them both serious looks. "This will not do, children. I have asked Miss Delacour and Mr. Lupin to serve as barristers of sorts, rather than witnesses to your Dissolution... yet. There will be no signing until the facts are laid before us. We will have a proper hearing today and get to the bottom of this. Hermione, I'm sure you are somewhat familiar with a Muggle courtroom, given your heritage."

She nodded, stunned. In all her research, she'd only seen two instances where the Chief Warlock chose to make the petitioners prove they deserved the divorce.

"Good. The hearing today will be loosely based upon Muggle custom. Miss Delacour and Mr. Lupin have been instructed as to what their duties will be. Severus," the headmaster motioned toward the chair which sat below him and to the left. Snape obliged and cast a sorrowful glance over the hearing room. Hermione fought not to roll her eyes. "You have only to answer the questions asked of you as honestly as possible. Is this clear?"

"Yes, Headmaster."

Dumbledore nodded. "Remus, if you please."

"Right. Severus, is it your wish to dissolve your marriage to Hermione Granger-Snape today?"

Hermione snorted, positive Remus had just invited scorn from her soon-to-be ex for such a blatantly obvious question. She was surprised, however, when instead of snapping at the werewolf as she'd expected, Severus looked on his witness-turned-council with a mournful expression.

"It's unfortunate but true, Mr. Lupin. Hermione has become a...less than amiable companion. She is no longer the woman I thought her to be."

"I see," Remus replied. "And can you explain this statement in more detail?"

"Certainly. I feel I must start at the beginning," he leaned closer, as if speaking in confidence. "It will make things more clear, you see."

"Of course," Dumbledore replied.

Snape took a deep breath, looking troubled. "I believed Hermione to be a wonderful woman. Beautiful, intelligent, a patient listener. She was everything I ever could've wanted in a woman. I soon felt the...urge...to take our relationship to a more binding level, as it were. The notion of marriage came upon me quite suddenly. So suddenly, in fact, that it is now my belief that I was given a potion which magnified my feelings from one of mere comfort to one of sheer desperation. I was frantic to marry her. I need not mention her talent in the art of potions, nor my previous disposition regarding matrimony."

"WHAT?!?" Hermione leapt of her seat, shaking in pure outrage.

Fleur placed a hand on the woman's arm, pulling her back down. "'Ermionee, please."

"Did you hear what he just said? How *dare* he imply I slipped him potions in order to get him to marry me!"

"Professor Granger-Snape," Dumbledore admonished. "You will remain silent until it is your turn."

"But, Professor Dumbledore--"

"You will please remain silent before I order you gagged with a silencing charm."

For the second time in less than fifteen minutes, Hermione sank low in her chair like an errant child.

"Please go on, Severus," Lupin said.

The dark man dropped his head into his hands and shrank, as if attempting to curl himself into a ball and still remain seated. His shoulders shook. "I'm sorry," he gasped out, heaving large breaths of air. "I promised myself I wouldn't do this. It's just that it's been so difficult."

Murmurs broke out all around Hermione, some shocked the evil Potions Master was displaying such raw emotion and others verbally abusing Hermione for being so cruel.

"Gods, what did that monster do to him?" A witch behind her breathed as another clucked her agreement. Hermione refused to turn around and acknowledge them.

"It's okay, Severus. Would you like some water?" Remus offered.

Snape pretended to dry his tears with a handkerchief and nodded, "That would be wonderful, Mr. Lupin." Hermione glared as he took his time sipping on the glass of water Remus conjured. Of all the heavy-handed... She thought he was above these sorts of theatrics!

This is what you get, she scolded herself, for marrying such a great, cape-swirling bat of a man. Brew glory indeed.

Severus cleared his throat and continued. "Even early on, Hermione was the source of many of my troubles. When she was a sixth year, she turned the whole school on to calling me 'The Dementor in the Dungeons.'" He shook his head. "It was just another way of undermining my authority as a professor -- just as stealing from my personal supply stores to brew dangerous potions was. No respect. And the name was downright hateful."

"Was she aware before today that her childhood nickname for you was used by others?" Remus asked gently.

"Oh yes. When we became...intimate...I informed her that the name had stuck long after her departure from Hogwarts."

"And what did Madam Snape say to that?"

He looked down at his hands. "She laughed."

Murmurs in the hearing room again. Dumbledore clapped his hands together for order.

Lupin raised an eyebrow and first looked meaningfully at the crowd, then at the members of the Wizengamot. "She laughed," he repeated in an even tone.

Severus nodded, still looking at his hands.

"Yes, I laughed," Hermione hissed so that only Fleur could hear. "But it wasn't like that!"

"What was that, Madam Snape?" Remus demanded. She was taken aback; he'd never spoken to her like that before, not even when she was a student.

"I...I said, it wasn't like that. He's making it into more than it was."

"I see," the werewolf replied. "And how, exactly, *was* it?"

She shifted uncomfortably. "It was more of an inside joke, really."

"A joke."

"Well, yes."

"Explain to me, Madam Snape, how ruining a man's reputation with his students and forcing humiliating names upon him, subjecting him to ridicule and disrespect, can be funny?"

Flabbergasted, Hermione's mouth opened and closed.

"Perhaps the answer is not so readily available to you because you have no *potions* on hand, hmmm?"

"I'm afraid I don't understand your meaning," she replied.

He smirked, the expression looking so out of place on his normally sweet face. "I think you do, Madam Snape."

"Madam *Granger*-Snape," she mumbled.

"Pardon?"

"My name is *Granger*-Snape, *Mr.* Lupin," she ground out.

"She refused to take my name alone," Severus complained from the stand. "Imagine my humiliation. I will never again be accepted among respectable pureblood families as I once was."

Lupin shook his head. "Yet another way Madam Snape has managed to hurt you. In deference to Professor Snape during these proceedings, I will address Hermione Granger-Snape by the traditional naming custom we Wizards and Witches hold so dear. Anything less would be like slander on the good Professor's name."

She went crimson, but not from embarrassment. Only Severus recognized the white splotches on her reddened face meant she was fuming inside. For a moment, he was almost nervous. After all, he was well aware of what his wife was capable of, if provoked.

Nevertheless, he was determined to press on.

"I'm afraid her refusal to accept my surname exclusively was the smallest of our problems." He sighed heavily, the sorrowful, burdened sound of a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders. "Her never-ending tirades and elitist slurs regarding the whole of Slytherin House have become staple conversations in our home, which I must endure in silence. She complains about absolutely everything, nags non-stop -- I have to consume no less than three headache potions a day, not to mention a mind-numbing draught just to cope! She's become unbearable in the last few months...there's just no hope for it."

Remus gave the courtroom an imploring glance. "You've had to bear a lot, Severus."

"I have," he agreed dolefully. "I really have. You cannot possibly imagine, Remus -- the vindictiveness concealed within her, the sheer, abusive hatefulness. No one knows this side of her but I, I who have suffered through this alone. It's dreadful." He turned sideways in his seat and moaned into his hand. "Dreadful!" he wailed.

Remus cast a sympathetic look towards the man on the stand, making sure the spectators in the hearing room would see it as well. "That'll do, I think," he told Dumbledore.

"Miss Delacour?" The white-haired wizard motioned to Hermione's council. Remus relinquished the questioning to her.

"Professor Snape, you 'ave painted 'Ermionee in a very negative light today." She frowned in disapproval. "Keeping in mind zat she 'as devoted over seven faithful years of 'er life to you, both as an assistant and as your wife, is zere anything you wish to recant?"

Snape scowled at the tiny woman before him. "Absolutely not! She's a madwoman who has made every day of my existence miserable since the first unlucky time I set eyes upon her. I'd say she's bloody fortunate I haven't decided to sue her for every day of those seven years she's made my life a living hell."

Fleur was taken aback by the sheer force of his words. The questioning was not going as she'd anticipated.

"The shampoo was the last straw!" he burst out, "I knew there'd be no living with her after that."

"Pardon?" she asked, confused by the non-sequitur.

"Hermione slipped some kind of fruity concoction into my bottle in the shower. I smelled of strawberries and kiwi all week! Nothing could rinse the odor away. I suspect she had it charmed. Some cheeky first year even had the nerve to *compliment* me on it."

Fleur looked at the rapt audience, a dubious expression painted on her face, before returning her attention on the dark man. "Did she explain why she would do such a thing, Professor?"

"Humph. She blathered on about doing something more appealing to my hair. Impertinent little wench. She *knows* I prefer my own blend."

"I see," the councilor replied. "And what does zees blend consist of that makes it preferable to you?"

"It's a potion," he sniffed. "I can charm my robes into being flame resistant, but human hair requires precautions only a potion can provide."

"So zees," she made a vague gesture at his person, eyes wide, "ees eenteensionale?"

Snape tensed in his chair and gave the young woman a scathing glare. "Miss Delacour, I trust you've never had the *honor* of forcing your knowledge upon the dismally idiotic halfwits that represent the youth of Wizarding Britain?"

"Non, Professor."

"Then might I also assume that you've no idea how fast the average number 2 cauldron can explode and ignite its immediate surroundings when in the hands of a third year who's paying more attention to the girl seated in front of him than the instructions in his text book?" He unconsciously rubbed a spot on the back of his head. Hermione rolled her eyes, being familiar with both the story and the small scar left as a reminder. It was nothing so dire as he would have them all think; a fast-thinking Hufflepuff had banished the small ball of fire before much damage could be done.

"I see your point, Professor."

He sat back and smirked. "Indeed. One *might* accuse Madam Snape of tampering with my very safety."

Hermione jumped to her feet. "Now just a minute...!"

"Professor Granger-Snape, perhaps you thought I was kidding when I warned you I would gag you if need be," the angry voice of Albus Dumbledore boomed. "Sit *down*, Professor." He turned back to the man on his left, concern apparent on his face. "Please continue, Severus."

Pleased, he went on.

"It doesn't surprise me that she would want me dead. After all, I *am* worth a substantial amount of money. I suspect once her plans to have me eradicated proved fruitless, she decided some of the money in a divorce settlement would be better than waiting a few more decades for the whole."

Lupin nodded his agreement, which, curiously, made Hermione more angry than the preposterous allegations had.

Fleur sighed, looking as if she knew talking with Snape further would be more damaging to Hermione than helpful. "I 'ave nothing more to ask, 'Eadmaster."

Recognizing the dismissal, Severus rose from the chair and shuffled back to his chair. Once seated, he sighed loudly and buried his head in the crook of his arm, which rested on the table. Witches all over the courtroom tutted over Severus's unfortunate dilemma and cast murderous glances Hermione's way. His shoulders began shaking, giving the appearance that the day had reduced him to tears. Hermione knew better; it looked to her like he was shaking with laughter. Bastard.

"Madam Granger-Snape," Albus motioned to the chair Severus had just abandoned.

Quaking with anger, Hermione took the stand.

"'Ermione," Fleur began, "Could you tell us 'ow you and Severus came to be married?"

"Absolutely," the witch replied with feeling. "I think it's time to dispel this ridiculous theory that I would have to drug *anyone* to get them to marry me."

She gave Remus a withering glare.

"Severus was, of course, my professor while I attended Hogwarts. But it wasn't until my third year at Muggle university that we began to see one another. I sought him out for advice on an independent potions project I was working on. You see, I had planned to finish University and go directly into the field of experimental potions, so this project was to be a sort of springboard for me. It could not fail. I had only a year and a half to complete it.

"Severus became interested in the project and eventually conceded to take me on as an apprentice. It was an ideal situation for me -- not only was I receiving expert assistance for this colossal undertaking, I was also gathering the clout I needed by taking on this apprenticeship from such a well-educated and respected Potions Master.

"Hours upon hours of working together in close quarters -- it seemed only natural when our mutual respect and fondness for each other evolved into something more. Things progressed quickly from there."

Hermione's eyes began to tear, much to her annoyance, thinking about those times. She thought nothing in the world could be better than spending the rest of her life with Severus. She thought no force on Earth could ever tear them apart. How wrong she was.

"So, zere was no potion?"

"Absolutely not! I would never--"

"Excuse me, Madam Snape," Remus interrupted. "But I think Severus would be inclined to disagree."

Indignation outweighed the threat of Dumbledore's wrath and Hermione jumped to her feet with her hands on her hips. "Remus Lupin, you were the best man at our wedding! How can you sit here and help that great git of a man over there spread these vicious lies?" She was aware she sounded like a cross between a shrieking second year and Molly Weasley, but couldn't being herself to care. "Where would you get such an outrageous idea?"

Remus looked back at Severus, who nodded, then replied, "I believe it all began the night of the last Leaving Feast before you were to be married. Severus claims you slipped it into his evening tea and he has been helpless to your whims ever since."

"Why, of all the--" she broke off. Oh. Oh! Gods, how could he *tell* anyone about that potion, much less use it for his flimsy defense? Cheeks flaming, she sat back down and gave out a short, mirthless laugh. "I wouldn't call it my whims so much as my prowess. What I had given Severus that night was a potion I'd been working with on the side -- a potion of a very personal nature."

Lupin looked lost, but Fleur caught on right away and hid a smile behind her hand.

Hermione decided to help the clueless wizard out. "A potion for *couples.*"

Nothing.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Remus! A sexual enhancement potion! Makes you a god in the bed. Or goddess, as the case may be, and in our case it was both. I took the potion as well."

"Oh," he said. He sat down, silenced.

"I am rather surprised Severus would tell you about the potion at all. It was something we used every once in a while to spice things up a bit. Not that we needed it," she mumbled the last and locked eyes with Snape, who colored slightly, then looked away.

Familiar warmth blossomed in her chest, but she firmly pushed it down. He'd done nothing but lie about her the entire time he was on the stand, smearing her good name through the mud. Well, if that's the way he wanted to play it, she would oblige.

"This man has said a great many things about me today, but I imagine anyone who has taken Potions at Hogwarts is aware that Severus Snape is not exactly the picture of graciousness. He can be quite...cruel...when he feels need for it." Here, she produced a dainty handkerchief and dabbed the corner of her eyes. The motion had more affect on the wizards in attendance than the witches, who were scowling even more at her for copying Snape's bit.

"Go on," Fleur said.

"We had this adorable, fluffy kitty named Endora -- I say *had* because she is no longer with us."

"She ees dead?" Fleur asked softly.

"No, she ran away after seeing Severus prancing about in our rooms in *my* knickers! Poor dear was traumatized, as you can well imagine."

"Oh, my."

"Yes, I'm afraid it's true. I loved that kitten dearly, and now I don't know whether she's alive or Fang food..." Here, she dissolved into hysterical tears, and continued with a desperate look at her councilor: "La chat, elle ne revendra pas, jamais, jamais!"

Fleur held the upset woman until the tears subsided.

"I wondered why my under things were becoming so stretched out. Well, I found out why when I came back to Hogwarts early from my trip to Diagon Alley. I opened the door to see my husband wearing my new pink knickers, putting on some sort of cabaret act for Endora and Crookshanks. Endora must have sensed her opportunity to escape and she darted under my legs and out of the dungeons. Minerva and I searched the castle, but she was nowhere to be found. I thank the gods Crookshanks is made of tougher stuff. At least *he* was able to endure it."

Snickers sounded all around them, a few outright but most were muffled, threatening to spill out through clamped mouths.

Severus went pale with embarrassment. How could she tell a room full of people such a ridiculous fabrication? The cat ran away because he'd bellowed at it when it jumped onto his workbench and flicked its tail. The result was cat hair added into his cauldron at a volatile stage of brewing -- the consequences would have been disastrous had he not stabilized it in time! He couldn't say he was sorry the cat was gone, but he was sorry his wife was so upset when she found out her beloved kitten was missing. He'd even gone so far as to suggest getting a new kitten for her if Endora couldn't be found. Is this the thanks he was to get for his trouble? For, gods forbid, *caring*?

"I did no such thing!" he exclaimed, but his words were drowned out by the cacophony of laughter that could no longer be suppressed filling the room. Even Lupin was laughing so hard he had tears running down his face, the traitor. Locking eyes with his soon to be ex-wife, he growled, "This. Means. War."

She quirked an eyebrow and mouthed, "Bring it on."

Severus stood, raising is voice above the cackles and full belly laughs. "Perhaps, *Madam Granger-Snape,* we should also inform the court of your penchant for...how shall I say this... feminine apparatuses?"

She turned red from the roots of her hair to the neckline of her robes. "Severus, don't."

"Oh yes, my dear. I think I will. Hermione has quite a collection, you see. She even belongs to a "Vibe of the Month" club she enrolled in at a sex shop in Muggle London. Each month, it's a new toy -- single penetrating, double penetrating, ones to go into the shower with her, ones with pearl beads inside, ones shaped like rabbit heads. She has every color in the rainbow, every speed imaginable and the largest supply of batteries, I believe they're called, known to man.

"I ask you, how am I to compete with that?"

"Oh, I don't know," she piped up, still beet red. "Perhaps the same way I must compete with Millicent Bulstrode."

He looked horrified. "I never --!"

"Don't give me that, Severus Snape! I know you've been having an affair with that...that...troll! Don't try and deny it!"

"Are you mad, woman? I've never been unfaithful, unlike someone else I know."

"And just what is that supposed to mean?"

"Do the names Fred and George Weasley mean anything to you?"

He mouth opened and closed unattractively. "You--you--!" She flew from the stand and attacked Severus where he stood before the two Aurors on guard could stop her.

"Always the little Muggle-born, aren't you," he ground out as he unsuccessfully attempted to pull her scratching nails away from his neck. "Have you forgotten what a wand is for, foolish girl? Or are you shedding intellect along with my name."

"You disgusting little man. You pathetic, revolting... Fred and George Weasley are like brothers to me! How *dare* you insinuate--"

"The same way you could insinuate I've been having an affair with Millicent Bulstrode. Don't you know I love you? I've never do such a thing, never."

Hermione ceased her attack. "W-what did you say?"

"I said I love you, you silly cow," he bit out. "Oh, this is ridiculous."

With that, he pulled his wife into his arms and lowered his lips to hers in a crushing kiss. She moaned into his mouth, scrambling to pull his body closer to hers until they were almost indecently pressed together in front of all and sundry. All the frustration, all the anger and desperation they'd been feeling was channeled into this one action, this melding of tongues and mouths and compressing of bodies.

"Oy! Get a room!" said a voice, which sounded suspiciously like Ron Weasley.

They continued, oblivious to the uproar in the hearing room.

Fleur, astounded, couldn't take her eyes off the amorous pair. She moved to stand next to an equally flabbergasted Remus. "Well, zat was...new."

"Merlin's balls," Lupin breathed. "I don't even have words!"

Dumbledore, down from his perch above them, clapped the two councilors on the back. "Well done, Children! I knew we could pull this off."

"Albus, this isn't how we planned it," Lupin gestured at the still-entangled couple.

The older wizard laughed. "No, it isn't. But I'd say the result is satisfactory, wouldn't you?"

Fleur laughed. "Did you see 'Ermionee's face when you accused her of drugging Snape?"

Lupin and Dumbledore laughed with the woman. "That was actually Severus's idea," Remus told her.

"What? You mean 'ee was in on zees?"

Lupin laughed harder. "No. He just really wanted to get at her. Vicious git, I'll tell you that."

Fleur shook her head. "You know, I 'ardly 'ad to do anything. 'Ermionee was out for blood today, too, non?"

"They're made for each other," Dumbledore said affectionately. He returned to his bench and signaled to the other members of the panel, who put their heads together, nodding and murmuring at intervals. Looking down at the crowded room, Albus cleared his throat loudly and fixed a stern expression on his face -- not an easy feat for the self-satisfied meddler, now that he'd obtained his goal. "Attention, please!" The courtroom chatter went silent. "We have convened and come to a decision."

Severus and Hermione pulled apart, glancing shyly around them. Dumbledore rose and spoke to his fellow members.

"In the matter of Dissolution of Marriage of Severus Snape and Hermione Granger-Snape, what say you?"

"Aye," said Amelia Bones.

"Nay," said Octavian Figleaf.

"Nay," said Griselda Marchbanks.

"Aye," said a sour-looking Bartabus Flinch.

"Well," said Dumbledore, pleased, "It comes down to my vote. Severus, I've never seen you happier than when you're quarrelling with Hermione. Madam Granger-Snape, you may not notice how your entire countenance seems to change when Severus enters the room, but the staff at Hogwarts and I do. Don't think I don't recognize you're forever spoiling for a good argument -- and Severus is just the one to give it to you. The pair of you are the most sarcastic, caustic people I've ever encountered on this side of Light, and I believe I would be doing the Wizarding world a gross injustice by unleashing the pair of you on them. Your petition for divorce is denied."

With that, the Dissolution Decree rolled up on itself, ignited, then disappeared with the podium altogether.

"Now!" Albus clapped his hands together, "I'll have no more of this nonsense. Further requests for divorce will be denied until one of you can prove there is real need. None of this panty business, am I understood?"

"Yes, Headmaster," they replied in unison, looking sheepish. Hermione cast a shy smile at her husband, who returned it with a high-watt grin. Several witches in attendance squealed, whether from shock, excitement or fear, it cannot be said for certain, but from that day on, Severus Snape was the recipient of many a saccharine-drenched love letter. His discomfort amused Hermione to no end.

For now, though, he could see nothing but the woman in his arms. "Pink panties, Hermione? You know that would look atrocious with my skin tone."

She laughed, feeling wonderful, as if she were given permission to fall in love with her husband all over again. What had they been thinking?

"Well, it was either that or my Gryffindor-colored lingerie you detest so much. By the way, I had to drug you to get you to marry me?" She arched an eyebrow.

"Yes, well I had to say something, didn't I? I have a reputation as a heartless git to maintain after all, and our marriage just ruined that image. Incidentally, your act on the stand was wonderful. Very Slytherin. Well done." He thought for a moment, then added: "We are rather well-suited to each other, aren't we?"

She smiled up at her husband. "Yes, I believe we are. I think on some deep, subconscious level we both wanted to sabotage this hearing so the divorce would be denied."

He considered this. "You may be right." He frowned. "But you didn't have to go so far, you know. Miss Delacour made you look like a bloody saint while you were lying through your teeth. Are there no morals left in our justice system?"

She snorted. "Not while Fudge is still Minister. Remus was no picnic for me either, come to that. You know, he was awfully determined to help you make me look like a monster. And don't think I didn't notice you following his lead." Her brow puckered in thought. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say the two of them were in on it to sabotage our hearing -- make us both look childish so that the Wizengamot would throw the whole thing out."

Severus scowled, realization dawning on him. "Dumbledore," he said darkly.

Two sets of eyes, one black and one chestnut, zeroed in on the cluster of three comprised of Albus Dumbledore, Fleur Delacour and Remus Lupin chatting away and looking terribly smug.

~*~

Dumbledore noticed Hermione and Snape stalking toward them first. "Children," he said, never taking his eyes off the incensed pair, "I think we've been found out."

Fleur and Remus followed the Headmaster's line of vision. Years of ingrained Care of Magical Creatures training told them not to make any sudden moves and not to break eye contact, lest the hostile creatures should take the gesture as a sign of weakness and attack.

"Fleur?" Remus said, eyes locked with one irate Severus Snape.

"Yes?" the woman replied shakily.

"Run!"



~ The End ~




A/N: I may be taking liberties by assuming the room used by the Wizengamot this time would be different than the one they used in the questioning of Harry. The situation is different, after all, and canon shows there are at least ten of them.

Endora the terrorized cat was a nod to the old sitcom, 'Bewitched.' I thought Hermione, being Muggle-born, would find that amusing.

I hope you've all enjoyed this! I really wanted my debut here to be a little more serious, but this was a fun way to get my feet wet. I now feel a little more confident about the Draco/Hermione, Hermione/Severus (emphasis on the last) angst-fest I'll be posting soon.



WIKTT Le Divorce Challenge Elements:

Opposites attract, but sometimes even the greatest loves go astray.
Snape and Hermione are petitioning for divorce and are at a hearing at the Ministry. Both present their side of the argument.

1) All stories must be one shot and under 10,000 words.
2) Stories must be humorous -- or at least not angsty. Snarkiness a plus!

Must include the phrase:

"And I knew there'd be no living with her after that."

Optional phrases for bonus points:

"La chat, il ne revendra pas, jamais, jamais."
("The cat, he's not coming back, never, never." I've changed it to the feminine form here. Hope it's correct! It's been a long time since high school French class.)

"Feminine apparatus" or "apparati."
(Note: I looked up the plural form of 'apparatus' and it wasn't 'apparati', like I thought it would be. It's actually 'apparatuses'. It looks wrong to me, but Webster's and Word assure me it's correct.)

"The shampoo was the last straw!"