Author’s Note/Disclaimer: Owned by JKR. And some poor fanfic authors (including myself) who just happened to write overused plotlines.

I wrote this eight months ago and am just now putting it on LnLS (unless the mods decide not to accept it in fear that reader sanity will wane).

By the way, if you like this, you should check out Clam Chowder's Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue. It's very funny and has a similar format to this (it was written before mine, so there's a good possibility that I was inspired by it).

The Not-So-Comprehensive Guide to Hermione/Severus Clichés in Fanfiction



Detention

Hermione and Neville are brewing a potion.

Hermione: “Neville, don’t put that in yet!”

Severus: “Ten points from Gryffindor for helping another student!”

Hermione frowns. She wants to tell him off, but decides against it.

Neville: “I’m terrible at potions. I’ve never made one correctly, not even one that the simplest first year can do. In fact, I’m bad at everything. As everyone knows, I have no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and my only purpose is to blow up potions and melt cauldrons.”

Hermione: “Neville, don’t—!” The potion explodes.

Severus: “A week of detention for not preventing this, Miss Granger!”

Hermione: “But I—”

Severus: “Another week of detention for talking back to a teacher! Be in my office tonight after dinner!”

Harry: “I only get one line in this entire story, so here it is: ‘Poor Hermione! Snape is such a greasy git!’”

Ron: “Well, that’s one more line than I get.”

Readers: “Shut up, Ron! This is a Hermione and Severus story; nobody cares what you have to say!”

The day passes slowly, and Hermione dreads her detention. Finally she arrives at Snape’s office.

Severus: “Enter!” he says brusquely.

Hermione comes in and Severus puts her to work scrubbing cauldrons/labeling bottles/cleaning his storeroom/organizing ingredients without magic. Hermione works hard and gets sweaty. She strips off her robe, sweater, etc, whatever she has to in order to get down to her skintight, see-through blouse.

Severus: “Oh, Merlin! She has boobs! Why did I never notice this before?” He spends about three seconds berating himself for lusting after a student, then passes the remainder of the detention staring at Hermione’s heaving bosom. He is grateful for his voluminous robes.

Meanwhile, Hermione is still doing her duties while sneaking glances in the direction of her Potions professor.

Hermione: “Why have I never noticed how handsome he is? Omigod! He looks just like Alan Rickman!”

The readers begin drooling at the mere mention of Alan Rickman.

The next few nights of detention are the same way. Hermione and Severus begin having “intelligent” conversation, even though both of them just want to bang each other. The readers feel the same way; they whine and complain that Hermione and Severus haven’t jumped into bed yet because everybody knows that Hermione and Severus are meant to be together.

On the last day, Hermione is upset that she no longer has detention. Severus decides to take the initiative and grabs her. The two begin kissing fervently and eventually throw their clothes off. They make passionate love.

Albus Dumbledore knows EXACTLY what is happening down in the dungeons.

Dumbledore: “Yes! Severus is finally getting laid!” He doesn’t care that she’s a student or that their relationship is illegal—they are in love, after all. He eats a lemon drop.

The End



PWP

Hermione: “Damn, Professor! I never realized how hot you were!”

Severus: “Ditto. Can we have sex now?”

The two have a long and steamy love scene. Severus wears black silk boxers. He is very well endowed and quite experienced (despite his reclusive lifestyle). Virginal Hermione turns into a SEX GODDESS. Everyone nearby puts up a silencing charm.

Hermione and Severus don’t leave the dungeons (or wherever the hell they are) for five days.

The End


The Potions Assistant

Dumbledore: “I’ve hired you an assistant without your permission. Not only that, but it’s someone you hate! Have fun!”

Severus begins to act like a spoiled child and throws a tantrum. He tells the Headmaster to go to hell. Albus Dumbledore smiles idiotically, offering Severus a lemon drop.

Hermione: “Helping Professor Snape will be such a wonderful experience! But I still hate him.”

The two of them have a long discussion about potions. Lots of big words are used—they are all either from the dead language, Latin, or just random imaginary words made up by the author.

Readers: “Enough of this technical stuff! Let’s get to the romance already!”

Author: “Shut up! I want to look like I at least tried to put a plot in!”

Hermione and Severus continue with the potion.

Severus: “I think this potion needs some unicorn blood.”

Hermione: “No, it needs some dragon blood.”

Severus: “Unicorn blood!”

Hermione: “Dragon blood!”

Severus: “Unicorn!”

Hermione: “Dragon!”

The two spend several minutes arguing. Hermione shows Severus her notes, which consist of pages and pages of equations. The readers skip over the long and boring explanation, hoping that the obligatory sex scene will come soon.

Severus: “Wow… I guess you’re right, you insufferable know-it-all.” Severus tries to come to terms with the fact that he’s not perfect. It is the first time he has EVER been wrong about anything (well, except for that whole becoming a Death Eater thing, but that’s a different story).

Suddenly Severus is transformed into a new man.

Severus: “I can’t believe I didn’t realize it before. You’re the only woman smart enough for me!”

Hermione: “I’m usually surrounded by idiots like Harry and Ron. You’re a refreshing change from that!”

The mention of Harry and Ron remind the readers of the other characters.

Readers: “Oh, yeah. I forgot that Hermione and Severus weren’t the only characters in the Harry Potter books.”

The author rambles on about Hermione’s friendship (or lack thereof) with Ron and Harry for several moments.

Readers: “Enough of Harry. Get back to Hermione and Severus romance, already!”

The author obliges. Hermione and Severus quote Muggle literature and listen to classical music. They discover all ten million of their common interests. They realize that they are soul mates and finish the potion in between steamy love scenes.

They kill Lord Voldemort without Harry’s help. Everyone lives happily ever after.

The End



Captive Hermione

Severus is at the latest Dark Revel, watching everyone else rape and torture Muggles. Suddenly he sees Hermione.

Readers: “Oh my God!” They are completely horrified and amazed, even though Hermione is captured by Voldemort in fanfiction more often than Harry Potter.

Severus: “I have to save her! But how am I going to do that without blowing my cover?” Suddenly a brilliant idea dawns on him. He goes up to Lord Voldemort. “Don’t hurt this woman! She’s my wife/girlfriend/sex toy!”

Voldemort: “Because the Death Eater creed states that we don’t steal the wives/girlfriends/sex toys of others, you can take her home. But I want to see her at all of our get-togethers.”

Severus and Hermione go back to Hogwarts. Hermione is eternally grateful, and the author rambles on about how wonderful Severus is for saving Hermione without revealing his position as a spy.

Hermione: “What do we do now? We have to pretend we’re together!”

The two decide to fabricate a relationship. Hermione and Severus recognize their feelings for each other and defeat Voldemort.

The End



Professor Granger

Dumbledore: “We have a new Arithmancy teacher, Hermione Granger!”

Intelligent reader: “What happened to Professor Vector?”

Author: “Who cares about that old hag? I need her out of the picture to make my story work!”

Hermione: “I’m so excited! I love school!” She looks at the other teachers, noticing Professor Snape immediately. “Wow, he’s less ugly than he seemed when I was a student.”

All the staff except for Severus: “Yay! It’s our favorite overachiever! Let’s throw a party!”

Severus: “Damn, I thought that I was rid of her!” However, he stares at her, noticing how gorgeous she has become. He is annoyed at himself for thinking sexy thoughts about the know-it-all Gryffindor.

McGonagall: “Call me Minerva.”

Dumbledore: “Call me Albus.”

Madam Pomfrey: “Call me Poppy.”

Severus: “Call me Professor Snape.” He spends the better part of the story referring to her as Miss Granger.

Hermione: “All of the teachers here seem like normal people! Well, except for Snape, who never speaks to anybody except to make snarky comments.”

Readers: “Sevvie is so sexy when he’s snarky!”

Severus: “Don’t call me Sevvie, you crazy fangirls!”

The story progresses and Hermione is somehow thrown together with Snape.

Hermione: "Wow, he actually has a personality!” The readers are absolutely amazed, despite having read dozens of stories with similar plotlines.

He begins to see her as an equal and finally calls her by her first name. Several readers swoon at the thought of his silky voice.

They fall madly in love.

The End



Cruciatus

Severus is at a Dark Revel, watching the other Death Eaters amuse themselves.

Lucius Malfoy: “Watch me rape this muggle! This is so much fun!”

Severus is absolutely disgusted, as are the readers, who HATE Lucius Malfoy.

All of the male Death Eaters engage in similar activity to Lucius, except for Voldemort, who is busy doing whatever it is that Dark Lords do (usually sitting on a throne of some sort), and Peter Pettigrew, who is asexual. No female Death Eaters are present, which leads the reader to assume that they aren’t allowed to have fun.

Voldemort: “Hmm, I feel like torturing somebody today, one of my followers of course… Who’s the lucky Death Eater going to be? …Severus!”

Severus: “I am honoured by your choice, my lord.”

Voldemort: “Crucio!”

Severus mutters something about how wonderful the Dark Lord is, then drags himself back to Hogwarts.

Hermione: “I think I’ll take that shortcut through the dungeons to get from the library to Gryffindor Tower, even though it’s six floors out of my way.” She trips over a dead body. Well, it’s actually nearly dead. “Oh no, it’s Professor Snape!”

She single-handedly heals him, stripping off his clothes in the process.

Severus: “Miss Granger, why am I practically naked?!”

Hermione: “I’m saving your life.” At this point, it begins to get awkward. Snape feels indebted, Hermione lusts after his body (which is usually concealed under robes), and they both begin falling for each other.

Hermione realizes he’s not so bad after all because of all the sacrifices he makes. Severus realizes she’s not so bad after all because of her adeptness at healing. They now know that they are destined to be together.

The End



Pregnant Teenager Hermione

Hermione quits school.

Harry: “I can’t believe Hermione is pregnant!”

Ron: “Despite the fact that she’s the most practical person at the school, she’s the only one who forgot about birth control!”

Severus reminisces about his relationship with Hermione.

Severus: “I wonder who the father of her baby is.” He considers all of the possibilities, even though he is the only person that she has slept with in the past year. “I know, it’s Ron Weasley’s baby! Or Harry Potter’s!” He feels jealous, and it still doesn’t dawn on him that he might be the dad.

Several years pass and Severus eventually sees Hermione, with her child in tow. This child looks exactly like Snape.

Severus: “Hmm… I’m still not sure who the father is.”

Hermione: “It’s you, idiot!”

Suddenly everything begins to make sense. Snape turns into a total sap and forgets that he hates children. He renews his romance with Hermione and the two marry, raise their kid, live happily ever after, etc.

The End



Hermione and Severus’s Offspring

Hermione and Severus’s daughter (who usually has a hard to pronounce Mary Sue name like ‘Ariennissabella’) or son (which happens in about 10% of fics about the Snape child) is now going to Hogwarts, which gives the author a dilemma—which House should they be sorted into?

Scenario 1:

Sorting Hat: “SLYTHERIN!”

Severus: “Ha ha, Ariennissabella is a Slytherin!”

Hermione is secretly disappointed, but is too mature to tell her feelings to Severus.

Scenario 2:

Sorting Hat: “GRYFFINDOR!”

Severus: “Damn!” He pouts for the rest of the day.

As in Scenario 1, Hermione is too mature to say anything. However, she is inwardly ecstatic, and is gloating to herself.

Scenario 3 (AKA “The Safe Bet”):

Sorting Hat: “RAVENCLAW!”

Severus: “Congratulations, Ariennissabella!”

Hermione: “Nice going!”

The readers smile smugly. They know that Ravenclaw is the best House for the Granger/Snape daughter, who with the combined intellects of her mother and father, will go on to become one of the greatest minds Hogwarts has ever seen.

Scenario 0 (AKA “The Never Done Scenario”):

Sorting Hat: “HUFFLEPUFF!”

Readers: “What?! How can that be possible?!” They flame the author, then leave to write a Mary Sue.

The End


Forced Marriage

Whether through some strange setup (e.g. prophecy/meddling relative/odd law/etc), or from desperation (e.g. somebody needs to be married within a week or they will die/marry somebody undesirable/etc), Hermione and Severus are engaged to be married.

Hermione (crying): “I’m too young for this. I haven’t even finished at Hogwarts!”

Readers: “Why is she crying?! I would be throwing a party if I was marrying Severus!”

Severus: “I don’t like the idea, but it’s not as bad as Avada Kedavra. Well, at least I hope so.”

Dumbledore: “Dearly beloved…blah blah blah…man and wife.”

Severus: “We have to consummate the marriage at some point.” They made mad and passionate love.

No-longer-a-virgin Hermione: “Wow….wow…wow…” She goes on about how amazing her first sexual encounter with Snape was.

The two of them realize that they can base a relationship off of really good sex. Somewhere along the line, they fall in love. Both of them are pleased with whatever brought them together in the first place.

The End


Time-Turner
Hermione: “Even though I clearly stated that I couldn’t handle using a time-turner in my third year, I still have one four years later!”

A trip down the stairs sends Hermione spiraling back in time.

Hermione: “Oh no, I somehow ended up exactly twenty years in the past! And my time-turner is broken!”

None of the Hogwarts professors question her presence or are suspicious of her.

Readers: “Omigod, what a coincidence! And now she can hook up with Severus without worrying about that pesky age difference!” They praise the author for creativity.

Younger Dumbledore: “I’m sorry, Hermione, but we have no way of sending you back.”

Hermione is devastated for the next five minutes. Then she meets young Severus.

Young Severus: “It’s so nice to finally meet whose intelligence matches my own!” Hermione feels the same way. The two eventually fall in love and have sex. It is more accepted because they are the same age. Hermione no longer wants to go back to her own time.

The End

Readers: “Wait a minute, you can’t end it there! What happens to Hermione? Does she go back to her own time or not?”

The author learns the meaning of the word ‘paradox’ and realizes that the lack of an outline is not always such a good thing. Bafflement ensues. The fic eventually becomes ABANDONED.

There is no end.


Author's Note: The time-turner thing is new, by the way. And yes, I do know that HoF had a child in Hufflepuff (even though she only was put there because the other Houses already had too many Snapes) and I also know about the child in the abandoned Lightning Strikes, who was also in Hufflepuff. It was tempting to take that little snippet out of there (because I did cut two others), but in the end, I kept it in.