Crying for the Grave

by Envinyatar

Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own anything of the Potterverse. It all belongs to JKR and those she has contracts with. No money is being made!

The lyrics of this songfic belong to Evanescence's "Tourniquet" from the album Fallen. Don't own them as well.

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I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more
(So much more)
I lay dying
And I’m pouring crimson regret and betrayal

Oh, the life I lead! St. Mungo’s has always been my residence of choice. I love this place, its quietness, oddity, cleanness.

And its slight insanity.

Really, if you had to be here longer than necessary, you’d go mad. And who says I’m not? Everything around you is white, sterile. No one says anything to you, not the mediwitches, not the other patients. It’s the sound of the silence that you cannot bear; it’s too heavy to be burdened with. After some time, you crumble under non-existent sounds, disposed of your strengths, stripped of your shields.

From time to time, silence is all you can hear. People with absent-minded looks about them and hollow eyes are clad in white strolling around, but never once do they move their lips or look at you.

At least not where I am.

My bed and room are quite comfortable. Fortunately I don’t have to share my private quarters with anyone. I’d take a knife and ram it straight into my heart if dear Ginny were here with me, singing her lullabies and asking me who I am, or Draco, having lost his mind after too many Cruciatus curses.

But Albus is the worst of them. He can still speak, or could, I suppose, if he wanted to, but the war has taken its toll on him. He doesn’t have a will for life left. The twinkle in his eyes has died; now he looks at you with regret, and every time he meets someone he has manipulated, he begins crying.

This place is so much worse than dying.

I tried, I really tried dying. But I couldn’t. Now it’s even more painful to me.

But I promised.

I’m dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?

I know I’m dying; I wouldn’t be here otherwise. I’ve been hit with a new curse, one which has been identified, oh yes; at least I have the knowledge I’ll die of Moribundus Segniter. What a relief.

It seems my beloved has rubbed off on me. Sarcasm has never been my way of dealing with things. Now I know why he had chosen it as his path; in the madness and uncertainty of his life it had been necessary to cut himself off from warmer emotions. Sarcasm had been his stronghold to sanity.

Why? Why have I promised? I feel like nothing is worth the effort anymore. I only want to close my eyes, to stop screaming in anguish, like I do every night. I pray for release, constantly begging the mighty powers to finally take my life and not make me suffer anymore. I have suffered enough.

I want peace.

But I promised.

Do you remember me?
Lost for so long
Will you be on the other side
Or will you forget me?

Slowly, excruciatingly, I become weaker and weaker. My muscles won’t support me anymore; they only hurt, night and day. I’m bound to my bed, cannot even stand up to go to the loo. Even for this act I need help. But I’m past feeling humiliated; all too soon this will all be over, and my soul will be free.

Does he even know what he asked of me, when he made me promise I’d live on, even if he failed to do so? Does he know of my daily pain? The pain I only endure because of my love for him? Will he seek me out, when I’m finally able to join him in eternity? My faith in meeting him again is my only hope left. If I didn’t have this belief, there’d be no sense in either life or death. I hold on to this; faith can move mountains, after all.

But my faith is failing me.

I need to leave, and I will leave soon.

At least he hasn’t asked me to fight to live.

But I promised.

And so I still live, if even only barely.

And so I’m still crying for the grave.

My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied
Christ
Tourniquet
My suicide

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A/N: Many thanks to my beta, maggie3990! Thank you very much for helping me with all my stupid mistakes!

Moribundus Segniter: My attempt at Latin. According to an online dictionary, it means Slowly Dying. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong!

Please review! I need to have feedback, it feeds my muse. Also I'd like to improve my writing, and I can only do this through your thoughts! Please!? *begs*