Bleeding Hearts

By Envinyatar

Disclaimer: Nothing from the Potterverse belongs to me; it’s all JKR’s. Not making any money out of this.

A/N: This is a little fic to Skin’s song “Lost” (album: Fleshwounds, 2003). Of course that song doesn’t belong to me either. This piece is not HBP-compliant, and therefore considered AU.

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Days spin through my heart
That sever the love
Kill all the pain with shame

Dreams. Always these dreams; they kept haunting her, and would most likely never leave her in peace until death got the better of her. Whenever she was asleep, pictures of something that had once been surfaced from the depth of her mind where they were buried, pictures of days filled with happiness, of days filled with sadness, desperation, comfort, love– days with him.

But that very person had made these memories painful for her. At first. The events taking place after the war had ended… She had not believed him when he had said it had all been faked, could not believe him for the life of her. He did not turn her away because he felt nothing. He must have felt something, at least passion, need, because how could someone pretend to be in love so effortlessly, when in fact he felt nothing but loathing? How could someone use another in such a way? How could he lie so easily without regretting it? It was impossible.

Her very world had shattered then, when after all, his cool demeanor and indifference towards her, his hurting words and biting sarcasm and above all his spiteful eyes whenever she tried talk to him had convinced her of the truth.

She had been nothing but a tool, an outlet for his fears and frustrations.

That was when she grew ashamed of herself. She could not understand why she let herself be used in such a fashion. She had to move on. Never again would she trap herself in a relationship, never again would she emotionally attach herself to a man this way.

I won’t be lost without you
I’ve found a way to get through
Now I’m up and running
Strong enough to walk away
And leave you alone
I won’t be lost

It never crossed Hermione’s mind that Severus only wanted to protect himself from further pain. If he let himself trust her, and confided in her, he would give her a weapon to hurt him deeply; he could already feel the sword in his back. Always had it happened, and it shall be so until the very end of the world.

He also wanted to prove to himself that he did not depend upon anybody now. His entire life had been ruled by men more powerful than he: the Dark Lord and Dumbledore. Never had he been able to make his own decisions and relax. He had grown aloof, bitter, and lonely; and, he surmised, old habits die hard.

He did not think he was merely running away from the possibility to find some happiness. Yes, Hermione had been entertaining, and he had been able to relax ever so slightly, but he certainly did not need her to feel complete.

For him, it was weakness to show affection and lean on someone when in need of comfort. They all would betray him, if he were to show his innermost thoughts. They would use those, turn them against him, and rule over him just like before.

And so he walked away from her when he felt he could be free: at the end of the war.

Strong. He felt strong.

You were a dream to me
Now you’re nothing but a heart that bleeds
I’ll wash you off and carry on

After the Last Battle, there were a great many festivities to attend. And so Hermione and Severus kept running into each other. At first, Hermione always tried to drag him somewhere and make him see reason. But he would not let her, would talk to her in his most unapproachable manner and sneer his long, hooked nose down at her.

And at one point she seemed to finally get his message. He did not want her near, wanted nobody near him. For Severus, these festivities where nothing but dull, time-wasting experiences that nobody needed anyway. He had better things to do than chatting about how great, wonderful and powerful Harry bloody Potter was.

It took some time for him to realize that not only these occasions were dull, but everything had lost its appeal on him. He even felt this inside of him; it was as though something important was missing.

He only became aware that it was Hermione he needed when it was too late.

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Another wasted evening, another evening of suffering from seeing her. Hermione. She whom he had given up because of his pride, because of his independence. Why ever had he been so foolish?

He stood with Albus and talked to him about his Potions research when he saw her. His angel of salvation, the only one able to make him feel again.

He excused himself– not once looking at Albus when he did this, his eyes solely focused on Hermione- and approached her. She had her back to him and therefore could not see him; she was idly chatting with that Weasley girl and his godson, Draco Malfoy. When those two could overcome their prejudices and have a relationship, why couldn’t he and Hermione?

He decided it was time to act, time to win her back.

And just when he had gathered the courage to speak to her properly and apologize for his behavior, someone called her name from behind his back.

“Hermione!”

She turned around into his direction and saw him standing there. Their eyes locked, and he couldn’t help it but stare at her, her amazing eyes, the depth they displayed.

But today, he could only see repressed feelings, pain, and control over her emotions. She looked like a deeply hurt woman.

His fault.

“Severus.” She nodded to him and left to walk to whomever had called her name.

He turned, only in time to see her throwing herself at Blaise Zabini and kissing him with a passion Severus was sure was only to encourage herself.

His chance with her had gone.

“Hermione,” he whispered in greeting to no-one in particular.

His heart bled with sorrow.

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And when I see you
I find another reason
To keep myself from getting lost in you

Severus’ assumption was correct; Hermione wanted to overcome her still existing love for Severus, despite all events in the past. She dated various men, but never found someone who seemed to suit her as perfectly as Severus had done.

Had he not faked it, of course.

Then she had run into Blaise, they had had a nice afternoon, a friendship had formed, and soon Blaise had begun courting her. She did not doubt the honesty of his feelings for her, and in spite of her qualms, she needed nursing. Safety, that was the key word to what she felt for Blaise. Steadiness.

But still, her heart was bleeding.

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A/N: Many thanks to JessiokaFroka for beta’ing!!!

Please review!? Criticism is always welcome!