Disclaimer: This is based on “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” by Dr. Seuss. His estate owns the concept. The brilliant J.K. Rowling owns the characters and locations. The really bizarre idea to put them together is mine, as nobody else alive would claim credit for it.
HOW THE SNAPE STOLE CHRISTMAS
Every student at Hogwarts liked Christmas a lot...
But the Snape who lived down in the dungeons did not.
For Snape hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be a reindeer had once caused him harm.
It could be the Black Mark inscribed on his arm.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, his heart or his Mark,
He preferred to spend Christmas alone in the dark.
He hated the tinsel, the trees and the wreath.
He loathed mistletoe and the kissing beneath.
He sneered at the stockings, despised every song,
And hoped all the nonsense would end before long.
Snape wished for a way to make Yule disappear,
But it kept getting bigger and louder each year.
He tugged on his hair, and ground down his jaw,
But the tree was the largest that Hagrid could saw.
He knew that on Christmas the girls and the boys,
Would find on their beds their clothes, candy, and toys,
And then oh the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
Then all those at Hogwarts would sit down to a feast.
And they’d feast, and they’d feast, and they’d Feast! Feast! Feast! Feast!
They would feast on plum pudding, and some unknown beast,
Which was something that Snape couldn’t stand in the least.
But when Christmas was coming, approaching quite fast,
Snape’s holiday dreams nearly came true at last.
The Headmaster suddenly left on a trip,
And Minerva was ill with a post-nasal drip.
A venomous plant attacked poor little Sprout,
And Flitwick was having his tonsils cut out.
That left only Snape to take charge of the school,
And the first thing he did was to cancel the Yule!
He ordered the house elves to call off the feast,
To throw out the pudding, and grind up the beast.
Instead, the Snape ordered a dinner of gruel
To be served to the students who stayed at the school.
The fires in the hearths were all meager and cold,
Fueled as they were by the tinsel of gold.
He shredded the trees and the bright decorations,
He cut up the cards from the students’ relations.
The mistletoe went to his lab for his potions,
He burned all the ribbons and bright Christmas notions.
There would be no carols, no bells, and no noise.
There would be no candy, no crackers, no toys.
He banned all the presents, forbade Christmas cheer.
Hogwarts would be dark as Snape’s heart was this year.
In triumph, Snape sat in his dungeon so grim,
Enjoying a Christmas as empty as him.
His calendar told him it was Christmas Day,
Yet there were no sounds of feasting or play.
He expressed his pleasure in one single sneer,
For he wouldn’t have to be pleasant this year!
Suddenly, there came a knock at his door!
He snarled in his anger, and strode ‘cross the floor.
He flung the door open, and to his great surprise,
There stood Miss Granger, looking full in his eyes.
“What is it, Miss Granger?” his lip in a curl,
But it stopped at the words that he heard from the girl.
“You’ve banned all the presents, I’ve nothing to give
But all of my love for as long as I live.”
She kissed him quite softly, while making soft sighs,
Then pulled back to look once again in his eyes.
“I love you so much, I’ve loved you so long.”
Then she kissed him again, and she turned and was gone.
He stood there a moment, while his fingertips
Traced the pattern of warmth that she’d left on his lips.
And what happened then? Well in Hogwarts they say
That the Snape’s tiny heart grew three sizes that day!
He made his decision, he ran through the school,
And once in the Great Hall, he banished the gruel.
He called for the pudding, potatoes and beast,
He ordered the house elves to make a great feast!
He brought back the tree and the fine decorations,
And then cast Reparo on the cards from relations.
His wand shot out crackers and candy and toys,
That rained on the heads of the girls and the boys.
Snape called for Yule carols to be sung with great feeling,
Then finally, he hung mistletoe from the ceiling.
He walked to Miss Granger and asked her to dance.
He waltzed to the mistletoe and seized on his chance.
He kissed that sweet girl, and he gave her his heart,
And that, my dear friends, was the Snape’s favorite part.
Now all those at Hogwarts like Christmas a lot,
Even Snape and his wife and their new little tot.
Though they married in June, always they say,
That they celebrate love that they found Christmas Day!