Chapter 4 – A Slytherin Solution To A Gryffindor Problem

"Gin and tonic? Do you think I'm made of money?"

Hermione didn't roll her eyes, but it was a close thing. "For God's sake, you're on at least twice as much as me, plus your Ministry stipend. Save me the poor mouth act."

"Waste not, want not," Snape said, but as he already was on his way to Aberforth at the bar it was a token protest only. He was the one who'd suggested heading down here to escape the funereal atmosphere at the castle, so Hermione would jolly well drink what she fancied.

He plonked the dubiously clean glass in front of her, and she made a show of pouring the whole mixer bottle into the gin instead of saving half for the next round. Severus was unmoved by her extravagance.

"You're getting the next one, so if you want to squander your money that's your problem," he said.

"Just like it's the Ministry's affair whether it decides to give its money to Hogwarts, you mean?" she retorted.

His sour look could have curdled milk.

"Gryffindors might face calamity with poor jokes. In Slytherin, we favour action."

"Really, because – " Hermione started, before she decided that someone had to be the bigger person and it was unlikely to be Severus. "What in Merlin's name are we going to do?" she asked instead.

Severus drained most of his pint of bitter before he replied: "The only course of action I can think of is to announce an outbreak of Dragon Pox. That, or we'll have to make do with the old Quidditch pitch until Weasley retires from the Ministry."

Quidditch left Hermione unmoved, but she badly needed new textbooks for her Advanced course. Arithmancy grimoires did not come cheap.

"There must be another way," she insisted.

"You're the perennial optimist, you come up with something. I'm afraid all my ideas are liable to get someone arrested." Severus brightened up slightly. "Then again, if we could frame Hopkins it might kill two dragons with one hex..."

"No. He'll quit soon and go back to teaching Muggles, no need to punish the man further-" Hermione let the sentence drift, trying to remember exactly what she'd just said. "Hold on, I think I've got something..." Pressing her fingertips to her temples, she tried to cajole the ghost of an idea into coming back.

---

"Good morning, Mr Spencer." Hermione's voice was firmly on the wrong side of chirpy, the sort of effort that makes everyone else hate early risers. The Head Inspector, on the other hand, looked like he hadn't slept at all, if Severus was any judge.

Excellent.

Rubbing his eyes, Spencer tried to smother a yawn: "Good morning to you," he replied. He just glared at Severus, who glared back.

"Did you sleep well?" Hermione asked innocently.

"No, as you can see I didn't. I'm a busy man, Miss Granger – I'd appreciate if we could get to the point of this meeting. My schedule is rather full today."

"As you wish, Inspector." Hermione was always at her most dangerous when she agreed with you. She sent a dazzling smile the Inspector's way. "Since you prefer to tackle the issue head on, we'll speak to you plainly. This inspection has to end. Now."

Spencer looked blank – the poor bastard obviously had no idea that he was about to be hit with Hermione Granger in full crusader mode. Severus almost felt sorry for him.

Almost.

"As much as I'm loath to disappoint you, Miss Granger, I'm afraid that is not within my powers," Spencer said with a poor effort at sarcasm. Most of Severus' second-year Slytherins could do better.

"I think it is." Hermione dropped the act. She'd never been very good at it pretending to be conciliatory, anyway.

"Of course I can do it. I would be failing in my duty if I did, however – in all my years with Ofsted, I've have never come across anything remotely like Hogwarts. There's not even a fire alarm – "

Severus had been content to let Hermione direct the conversation, but that particular piece of stupidity got too much for him. "Have you inspected many magical schools before, Inspector? Clearly only a dunderhead would compare –"

Hermione's surprisingly sharp elbow stopped him off mid-sentence. She was still deplorably Muggle in some ways – Minerva would have Stunned him instead.

"Excellent. So you can do it, it's just a matter of convincing you that concluding the inspection is the best course of action," Hermione continued smoothly, ignoring the two of them.

Spencer looked at her with disapproval.

"I'm not a man to change my mind on a whim, Miss Granger."

"I didn't think you were." She leaned back slightly in her armchair. They were using Minerva's office. Hermione had gone straight for the most comfortable chair before Spencer even had registered that they'd be sitting near the fireplace rather than around the Headmistress' desk.

Until now, Severus hadn't noticed that it also left Hermione sitting slightly higher up than the inspector. She had learnt something from him over the years, then.

"You did say that you prefer to go straight to the issue, so that's what I will do. Frankly, applying Muggle assessment criteria to Hogwarts is ludicrous. While some elements of teaching are the same, our respective worlds are so different that you simply can't arrive here with no prior knowledge and expect to draw any valid conclusions whatsoever."

Spencer audibly drew his breath, but Hermione continued on relentlessly.

"It would be similar to you arriving in India without ever having been there before, and expect to evaluate their education system like you would in England. Rather arrogant, I think, but that's hardly your fault."

Severus wasn't so sure, but he wasn't about to quibble just as she was getting into her stride.

"Therefore, I have no compunctions in putting a stop to this travesty, using whatever means necessary."

Spencer probably didn't know that Hermione had fought in a war before she was out of her teens, but he did have enough sense to look apprehensive.

"And believe me, Mr Spencer, you have no idea what means are at the disposal of an even moderately competent wizard," she added.

"Are you threatening me?"

"I'm simply providing you with all the relevant information." Her light tone didn't fool anyone, although Severus thought she probably did intend it that way. Threats weren't Hermione's way.

"Do you know why you didn't sleep a wink last night?"

Spencer started.

"You may not be able to see the ghosts here at Hogwarts, but you can certainly hear them."

That wasn't strictly true, of course: if the Bloody Baron sailed up to the inspector and spoke to him, he wouldn't hear a word. However, if someone – the Head of Slytherin, say – had a friendly word with the Baron and the ghost subsequently dedicated himself to make as much noise as possible in the inspector's bedroom, he would certainly be able to hear that.

Last night, Hermione had found a set of maracas in the stationery cupboard. Apparently, the sound they made after she'd added enhancement charms would wake the dead. Figuratively speaking, of course.

While Spencer was busy figuring out what to say Hermione ploughed on. "I believe breakfast wasn't to your satisfaction, either. Something with the tea, was it?"

Severus had supplied the house-elves with a little something for the inspector's morning cuppa. He wasn't surprised when Spencer refused to elaborate, despite clearly wanting to. Discussing your bowels in public was considered gauche even among Ofsted employees.

"Don't worry. It won't be in the tea the next time." Hermione's smile was terrifying.

"If you should consider alternative accommodation, I feel compelled to point out that it's perfectly within our powers to make them equally uncomfortable," Severus added. He didn't bother with a smile, but the inspector seemed to get the message anyway.

"If you think blackmail will make me pack my bags and run, you can think again," Spencer said with commendable calm.

"No, I don't expect it will. With regards to your staff, however..." Hermione let him draw his own conclusions. Judging by his frown, he did not ascribe his own fortitude to the junior inspectors.

"I cannot speak for others, but I will do my duty whatever the conditions." Before Spencer could elaborate on this theme, Hermione changed tack.

"I'm glad you mentioned that. I think that's where the crux of the matter is, you see." For all the world, she sounded as if she was in the thick of a friendly discussion on the properties of wand-wood. "You consider it your duty to ensure that the students here receive the best possible education, is that correct?"

Spencer looked like he wanted to disagree, but didn't know how.

"Yes," he admitted eventually and Hermione beamed at him. Severus could have told him that he was done for now.

"Well, only consider if you get your way and the school is closed. All those little wizards and witches will have to go back into mainstream education. The whole purpose of Hogwarts is to teach them to control their magic. What do you think would happen if they were released on the unsuspecting Muggles, Mr Spencer?"

"Clearly – I'd imagine special measure must be put in place –"

"Like the ones we have here at Hogwarts, you mean? I assure you I'm not exaggerating when I tell you it would be impossible to put in anything resembling the safeguards we have here in Muggle schools. It's taken a thousand years to get to where we are now, and, as you so eloquently have observed, we're hardly perfect."

Spencer looked almost beaten, but then he rallied.

"That's assuming the choice is between closing the school and continuing the way it's been run before. Usually, my recommendation would be –"

"Unfortunately, there is nothing usual about Hogwarts," Hermione said gently. "I'm afraid it is quite true that the educational needs of wizards are fundamentally different to those of Muggles. It's not just something we're saying to excuse lax standards. The curriculum and the school have evolved over a very long time to best meet those needs, and it simply isn't possible to extrapolate best practice from the Muggle education system."

She continued almost as if she was speaking to herself. "Our world is darker and we grow up quicker. We do our best as teachers, but ultimately we must give our students the tools to defend themselves rather than wrapping them in cotton wool."

Hermione turned her head slightly to address him directly again.

"Magic isn't safe, Mr Spencer. I could make you do whatever I like and you wouldn't ever know you're being manipulated. Severus could be someone else entirely – he can make himself look exactly like you if he wants."

Spencer had finally lost his composure, his gaze darting between them.

"We haven't, of course, but pretending that we couldn't won't get us anywhere. Magic isn't just about turning a stone into a bunch of pretty flowers, and we owe it to the students to teach them that."

The inspector looked at them as if he was seeing them for the first time. Severus had seen this particular realisation unfold before: it was the moment when it dawned on someone that magic changed all the things they thought they knew.

It rarely ended well.

Most modern Muggles didn't like the idea of being utterly helpless. They rarely saw further than that: the man being turned into a frog will hardly stop to marvel at the wonders of magic.

"With all due respect, Mr Spencer, this is not your world. Leave it to us," Hermione said, quite gently.

Spencer still seemed unable to form coherent syllables.

"We do care about the students, you know," she said, ignoring the whispered "Speak for yourself" from Severus. "I believe the safeguarding of the students was your main concern, wasn't it? We might have a slightly different way of going about things at Hogwarts, but it's worked for a thousand years."

"We haven't had any deaths since –" Severus felt compelled to point out, but he was ruthlessly cut off by Hermione:

"The students will be safe with us, I promise." If the sincerity in her voice could have been bottled and sold to politicians, it would have made millions. It would have taken a stronger man than Spencer to hold out to the onslaught. Severus couldn't tell whether it was fear or trust that swung the balance in the end.

"All right. All right. I'll give you an 'Outstanding' and wrap things up."