A/N: A drabble dedicated to my good friend Maria, in memory of a very silly conversation.

Obligatory disclaimer: I do not own anything original in J.K.R.'s wonderful universe, just some of the merchandise.

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Searching for 'Severus'

"What are you doing?"

"Sssh."

"Don't tell me to shush, insufferable wench; answer my question!"

"I'm surfing."

"Surfing? Does that activity not require rather more specialised equipment? And clothing? And water?"

"Severus, don't be deliberately obtuse. I am surfing the Web - the Muggle Internet."

"On that wretched computer again?"

"It is not wretched, and yes, I am surfing on the computer. Now shush!"

"I will not 'shush'? What on earth are you looking at on that thing?"

"It's an online marketplace called eBay."

""eBay"? Is that short for something?"

"Errr... I have no idea. Possibly. I've never even thought about it."

"Why are you looking at an online marketplace? We can get everything we want from Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley...."

"That's not really true though, is it, darling?"

"What do you mean? Stop wiggling your eyebrows like that…. What are you looking at? Will you stop sniggering?"

"Look - I've found you on eBay. You're an action figure!"

"A what? What? That is..."

"Don't start. You know it's not good for your heart. Or the House points of any child in this school for that matter."

"... patronising, insulting – move out of the way, woman – inaccurate! I look nothing like that!"

"It says here in the product description that the model has been "laser crafted from the actor's features himself", and it "references all the specific costumes used in the films"."

"What films?"

"They made films about what we did."

"Oh good grief! The books were quite enough, I thought."

"You did not complain too much at the time. Particularly when you persuaded her to kill you off in the last one, just so there wouldn't be a sequel."

"Mmmmmmm."

"Look... Oh my word, it's ridiculously expensive! Who would pay over nine hundred dollars for a nineteen-inches-tall copy of you in a plastic case?"

"Well, clearly not you."

"Oh Severus, don't say it like that.... Oooh, look! You're on a keyring... and a mobile phone case... and a fridge magnet!"

"A what?"

"Muggles use them to keep food cold. Like cooling charms."

"No, they don't."

"I'm sorry, who is the Muggle-born around here? Fridges definitely keep food cold."

"Of course I know what a fridge does, you silly woman. You said "fridge magnet". What on earth is one of those for?"

"Well...."

"Mmmm?"

"Well. They are. For. Well. You put them on a fridge, and...."

"Mmmmmmm?"

"Okay, I have no idea.... But you are on more than one of them. Look – on this one, your hair is on fire!"

"Hmpfff."

"And watches. And badges. Good Merlin! One of the badges says "Severus for President" – whom on earth have you been talking to recently? Hey! There are children's toys here! You come complete with your own Potions laboratory… and slimy stuff. Just think – how many of your future students will be able to play with you before they even meet you in the flesh? Oh sweet Nimue, that's so funny!"

"Hermione...."

"Oh stop growling, it’s only silly Muggles.... Bed sheets! You have bed sheets with your face on them! Who would want to have a picture of you in your teaching robes on their bed linen? Look, there are pillow cases with your.... Oh. Ah. Ooooh.... Never mind."

".... Hermione? You've stopped talking. Are you alright? Why have you switched off the computer? Hermione! I have essays to mmmmpppffftt!"