This is a story about conversation and humour. A lot of the humour lies in the relationship between the two men (no slash, fyi) and how Hermione responds to that. Although there is no explicit detailing of anything, it is blatantly obvious by the end what has transpired, so I have still given this a 'brazen' rating for the implied meaning.

All you need to know: Hermione is newly back at Hogwarts as a teacher, Severus has survived (yippee!) and Lucius (for it is he) has been let off the hook (huzzah!).

I wrote this with Mr R and Mr I's voices in my head ... if that helps.

Thanks to my beta, apkblack. I own nobody and nothing and make no money from the writing of this story.

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As Hermione approached the corner of the otherwise deserted hallway she detected the low sonority of male voices. She recognised one voice immediately and regrettably. The other was also familiar, and as her ears tuned into its deep mellifluousness she detected an edge of such cutting superiority that it did not take long for her to recall to whom it belonged.

She could not hear the subject of their discussion, but the two men seemed to be engaged in rapt conversation, albeit in their usual drawling, pretentiously lugubrious manner.

She debated turning back and avoiding a meeting with them, but her ears pricked towards them and her mind drew her forward, undeniably desperate for a morsel of whatever held them in such intense dialogue.

Inhaling in resolution, she strode around the corner.

Despite the sudden and admittedly surprising revelation of her presence, the two men before her barely blinked when she appeared. Their postures remained erect; their expressions registered no more than mild curiosity. She would have expected no more.

"Ah," drawled the blond one. "Talk of the devil. Good afternoon, Miss Granger. What a remarkable coincidence; we have just been discussing you."

Why did his statement not surprise her?

"Mr Malfoy. Professor Snape. And what exactly were you discussing about me? All good I hope?" she inquired tersely.

Neither man answered. Lucius Malfoy simply looked at her coolly with a slightly disarming smile tilting his mouth.

"The new Transfiguration professor, I understand? I trust you are settling into your new role?" he continued after an increasingly thick silence.

"Yes. It's going smoothly."

"Smoothly? Is that all? But then ... it's never easy, is it? Trying to fulfil a role previously occupied by one so illustrious, respected and brilliant. Professor McGonagall is a hard act to follow. I doubt anyone will ever be able to hold that post as effectively as her."

"Considering your past, Mr Malfoy, I hadn't realised you were so fond of Professor McGonagall."

He continued with his smooth, sardonic condescension. "I was simply pointing out her skills as an educator. Those were indisputable. For someone as young and inexperienced as yourself you must feel like a fish out of water. Still, I'm sure Severus here has been only too willing and able to help you should you require it."

"Miss Granger would not presume to ask anyone for help." Snape turned his dark eyes briefly to Hermione. She bit her lip against his antagonism. "She does not consider herself in need of it."

"Really?" Malfoy's eyebrows rose in exaggerated surprise. "We all need someone to rely on when starting a new position. Someone who can offer us ... succour. I would have thought you to be the ideal person for that. Perhaps you should make yourself available to Miss Granger, Severus?" His tone lilted under a thin mask of amusement.

"Miss Granger knows where to find me should she require anything." Why did Snape always take twice as long as anyone else to slide his words out? "I doubt somehow she will ... however." As hard as she tried not to, Hermione couldn't help rolling her eyes.

"As a matter of fact, Professor, there is a report I was asked to write on the new syllabus. It may be worth you casting your eye over it."

"There we are, Severus – you are wanted already. How propitious this encounter is proving to be!" Malfoy's bright exaggeration raised her pique yet further. Hermione turned to him indignantly, crossing her arms with a sigh.

"Why exactly are you here, Mr Malfoy?"

Again his eyebrows rose up in surprise. "Visiting my friend, of course. Deary me – your tone of voice somehow makes me feel rather ... naughty. Is one not allowed to pay old friends a visit ... Miss?"

The low tones of Snape followed on. "You will note that Miss Granger has not lost her tendency to react to situations which do not involve her with self-righteous and interfering presumption."

"I was just asking." She remained defiant, glaring at the two men who had previously been amongst her bitterest enemies. The events of the war may have spat them all out onto the same side, but her animosity towards them had never dulled. "It's not common these days to find Voldemort's ex-minions hanging around the halls of Hogwarts. But then perhaps Death Eaters are like buses: you don't see any for years and then two come around the corner at once!"

There was silence. Malfoy leaned into his friend with a confused frown on his face. "Was that ... an attempt at humour, Severus?"

"I think perhaps it was supposed to be."

His face twisted with confused distaste. "Oh dear. Still ... you said it yourself, Miss Granger ... two Death Eaters at once, albeit erstwhile ones ... How exciting for you!" Malfoy leaned into her slightly and beamed.

Hermione huffed and turned from him, indicating the report and addressing Snape. "Do you want to look over this now or shall I bring it to you later?"

"Now there's an offer, Severus," drawled the blond man.

"I'm busy later." Snape was brusque.

"Sorry, Miss Granger," oozed Malfoy. "Seems there'll be no late night visits to the cool, mysterious depths of the dungeons after all."

"I suppose I should glance at it now – get it over and done with." Snape tutted, uncrossing his arms with sudden swiftness and nabbing the report out of her hand.

The two men leaned into each other, their eyes trained on the parchment before them, brows furrowed as if giving it their utmost scrutiny, fingers occasionally coming up to point out a particular word or phrase. Hermione studied their faces: the lips frequently twisted down as if in disgust, the noses curled in a sneer, lines of irritation formed on their brows. And to accompany this litany of facial displeasure came a muted but constant tutting and sighing of disapproval.

"Disappointing introduction."

"Hmm ... split infinitive."

"That topic has been off the syllabus for years. It's a ridiculous notion to reinstate it."

"She doesn't know how to spell Occuloniophilus."

"Oh dear oh dear... sentence ending with a preposition."

"Tut."

"The layout is not terribly impressive either."

"Repetition of the previous point ... unnecessary."

"Conclusion is lacking ... if not entirely absent."

Hermione could stand no more. She grabbed for the document, but Snape held it high out of her reach, denying her. "Oh, just give it back! You two are ..."

"Two former Death Eaters." Snape eyed her coolly again, his mouth curling up almost imperceptibly.

"Your words, Miss Granger." Malfoy's smirk enraged her even more.

"Yes, and why I'm standing here giving you any time at all is a complete mystery to me! Give me my report back. I'll rewrite it."

"Why?" drawled Snape.

"Because you've both just torn it to shreds."

"Did we? I hadn't noticed." Malfoy again feigned surprise. He turned a mock-concerned visage to his friend. "Were we particularly critical, Severus?"

"I wouldn't say so ... merely ... constructively appraising."

"Quite right ... Constructive appraisal, Miss Granger."

"A learning experience."

"I ceased having to learn from you three years ago, Professor Snape. Give it to me." She reached for the parchment again, almost grabbing at him desperately.

"Ah ah ah aah!" Once again, he held it far from her reach. She didn't notice the corner of Malfoy's mouth rise with amused enjoyment as he observed the scene before him. "Not so hasty, thank you. There are ... one or two things of merit in here, Miss Granger. If you were to meet with me for a spare hour we could possibly discuss the strengths and weaknesses."

"What, one minute on the strengths, fifty nine on the weaknesses?"

"You shouldn't be so harsh on yourself," he intoned sarcastically.

"Me? You're the one complaining about it!"

"Miss Granger, you are over-reacting as usual." Snape glanced at his friend. "You see, Lucius, like I said ... still the same."

Malfoy shook his head with a fake sigh of regret. "I do see, Severus, I do ..."

"And I thought perhaps the years would have mellowed her slightly," continued Snape.

"Indeed ... it happens to most of us ..."

"Exactly."

"I have ... mellowed."

"Most admirably, Lucius, I must say."

"Thank you, my friend ... thank you."

"But Miss Granger, on the other hand, seems to have become yet more bellicose over the years."

"That would indeed appear to be the case."

Hermione had stood open mouthed with astonishment throughout this entire exchange. Her fury burst from her. "Do you know how phenomenally rude it is to refer to someone in the third person when they're standing right in front of you!"

Lucius glanced at Snape. "Point proven."

She sighed exaggeratedly. They continued unabated. "And what about her ability with potions? Any improvement?"

Snape paused for a ridiculously long time before drawling his answer, each syllable dragged out to the enth degree."S-light-ly."

"No more?"

"Not that I have noticed."

She huffed. "Not that you have chosen to notice, you mean."

"I see more than you think, Miss Granger."

"Oh, he does, I'll vouch for that," added Malfoy.

Hermione rounded on the blond man viciously. "When I want your vouching, I'll ask for it, thank you very much."

"Tut tut," purred Malfoy. "Keep your remarkably dishevelled and curiously feral hair on, my dear."

"I'm not your dear. I've had just about enough denigration and deprecation from you two. I'm not the sweet little girl I used to be."

"Sweet?" The two men turned to each other, both clearly incredulous.

"Shut up," she spat. "Like I was saying, I'm no longer the person you seem to think I am and I will not stand here and take this condescending crap from anyone, least of all you two! Now. You need to remedy this."

"Do we?" Both sets of eyebrows were up now.

"Yes."

"And how do you suggest we do that?"

"You can start by apologising."

There was a pause before Malfoy turned in bewilderment to Snape and muttered low, "What does she mean, Severus?"

"I'm not entirely sure." Snape kept his voice equally muffled, but she could still hear every word. "I think she is implying we have done something wrong and that we should express some form of contrition."

"Really? How odd."

"Exactly."

Hermione looked from one to the other. The two men glanced at each other, any urgency to apologise clearly absent. There was silence. She granted them as long as she could bear.

"Right. In that case ... I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands."

-xxoOoxx—

Several hours later ...

"Well ... that was rather unexpected, I will say," mused Malfoy.

"Indeed," rejoined Snape.

"I thought perhaps she would have released us after an hour at most."

"Yes ... eight was rather longer than I had anticipated."

"Do you have any potions for alleviating rope burn?"

"Yes, there's something that will take the sting away."

"I may benefit from some."

"My legs have stiffened up."

"I'm not surprised, dear chap, after being stuck in that position for so long."

Silence.

"Who would have thought she had it in her?"

"I will confess, Lucius ... I am not entirely surprised."

"Hmm ... come to think of it ... neither am I."

Pause.

"I wonder where she acquired all those ... devices."

"She did seem to have them ready."

"And know how to use them."

"Yes."

"Most definitely ..."

Silence.

"Still ... the experience did have its ... merits," postulated Snape.

"I'll say."

"In fact ... it is not one that I am averse to repeating."

"I think I concur," deliberated Malfoy before shifting uncomfortably. "If your legs are sore, I will admit to my tackle being exceptionally tender."

"Mine too. Hardly surprising after the way she dealt with us."

"What was it she said at the end?"

"Words to the effect of: If you cross me again, you'll get more of the same."

"Hmm."

Silence.

"It does seem remarkably easy to annoy Miss Granger."

"Indeed."

"It may be unavoidable to do so again ... perhaps even in the not too distant future."

"Quite."

The two men glanced at each other as they stood in the corridor outside the dungeon from which they had just been released. Even in the murky light, their mutual grins of anticipatory delight could not be denied.

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Mwa ha ha. They certainly got more than they'd bargained for ... not that they were complaining.

I hope you enjoyed this - let me know if you did.