A/N It is peak flu season here on the island continent, and one of those chain e-mails came around bagging the males of our species for making such a fuss when they get sick. As I was bored senseless and subject to silliness, I made a copy of the e-mail text and began to fiddle with it, adapting points 1 – 10 to the HP universe in a single chapter of AU fun.

I do not know the author of the original e-mail text as none was given. Therefore, I will acknowledge them as the Anonymous author of the “Man-Flu – The Facts” e-mail, until such time as I know better and can cite them properly.

Characters are the property of J.K. Rowling, and I make no money from them.



1. Wizard-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 wizards.)

2. Wizard-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Wizard-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of gnomes living in the rainforest. And probably loads of Lethifolds too.

3. Witches do not contract Wizard-Flu. At worst they suffer from what Healers describe as a 'Delicate Sniffle' – which, if a wizard caught, he would still be able to wrestle a cave troll, play Quidditch, tear the hide off a dragon and participate in all other kinds of wizardly activities.

4. Wizards do not 'moan' when they have Wizard-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Wizard-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? (Madam Pomfrey would do it in a heartbeat).

6. More wizards die each year from WFN (Wizard-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like Puffskein attacks or choking on pumpkin juice).

7. Wizards suffering from Wizard-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and go to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982, Mediwizards managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Wizard-Flu in a female Thestral. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Wizard-Flu germs are more powerful and vexatious than Grindelwald, Voldemort and Albus Dumbledore combined. They are too strong for Pepper-up Potion, so don't bother trying to force it on a victim of Wizard-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Wizard-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Malingerer’s Malady', it is a commonly recognised fact in Mediwizardry that the presence of a loved one has remarkable healing powers. Every minute in this country one wizard is struck down by Wizard-Flu. Witches, all we ask is that each of you offers your wizard a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together...


In her office, Hermione carefully detached the parchment from her personal bulletin board. Casting a handful of Floo powder into the fireplace, she named her destination and stepped through into the darkened silence of their quarters. Looking around at a litter of half-read periodicals, empty cups and sticky lozenge wrappers, she schooled her expression into one of methodical severity before marching into the bedroom.

She tossed the parchment onto her recumbent wizard’s chest and folded her arms, nailing him with a scowl fit to match one of his own best efforts. “I know you put it there, Severus.”

Severus half-opened one eye and writhed miserably. “Ndot me. Cand’t. Ev’bthing hurts,” he groaned, closing his eye again because the agony of anything resembling exertion was just too much to bear.

Hermione shook her head, an affectionate smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. In the departmental tea room, many witches had lately commiserated about having a plaintive child to look after - the significant, supposedly adult, wizard in their lives.

It was not a serious illness; little more than a head cold. Hermione had checked with Poppy to make sure, and heard tales of Molly Weasley’s travails with George, Ron and Harry all sick at the same time.

“Wizards,” Poppy had said, “display a remarkable capacity to turn into princesses at the slightest hint of illness. Witches get over the same illness within two to three days. Be firm with him, Hermione, don’t indulge him too much.”

Hermione examined Severus’ nearly lifeless form again. Nearly lifeless, Crooks’ left paws! She thought. I’ve seen you at death’s door for real, Severus. Shrieking Shack, remember? You are not fooling anyone. But still, I suppose I could finish my article here. There’s no harm in indulging you just a little bit.

Severus listened intently as Hermione, from the next room, informed her colleagues she would work from home for the afternoon. With satisfaction, he heard the sound of the kettle being filled and the clink of teacups. He stretched languidly and smirked. He felt better already.