Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction and not meant to be taken seriously. Harry Potter, etc. belongs to J.K. Rowling, and if you didn't know that, you've been living under a rock. No characters were harmed in the making of this fanfiction.

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FIZZING WHIZBEES: CONVERSATIONS WITH A MINOR CHARACTER

“Professor Granger… Hermione,” the headmistress corrected, looking down her spectacles at the red-nosed young woman sitting before her. “I think of you as one of my best students and a capable professor… but surely there are better people to turn to for motherly advice than me. Your own mother, for instance…”

“She thinks I’ve gone out of my mind,” Hermione interrupted. “Dating a man Dad’s age.”

“I see,” Minerva said, momentarily taken aback. “Well, how about Molly Weasley?”

“She hasn’t spoken to me since I broke it off with Ron—unless you count the Howlers.”

So this is how it is going to be, Minerva thought, unconsciously drawing herself up straighter in her chair. “What about someone your own age? Ginny Weasley, for instance?”

Hermione sniffed primly. “Ginny calls him the ‘git from the pit’ and says I’m better off without him.”

“I remember you were friendly with Nymphadora Tonks.”

“Told me in no uncertain terms that she thinks I’ve gone barmy.”

Minerva was swiftly running out of options. It wasn’t exactly as if Miss Granger had a great many female friends to begin with. “What about Luna Lovegood?” she asked in desperation.

“She keeps mumbling on about Snarhooks’ noses and squid ointment,” Hermione said with an expression like triumph. “So you see, even though you’ve lived a schoolmistress’s existence your entire life, I thought perhaps you could give me advice on how to mend things with Severus.“

Minerva felt her jaw clench involuntarily. “Perhaps I have not made myself clear, Hermione. I do not ever want to think about Severus Snape having a sex life, much less discuss with you how to improve it. I’m afraid you’re on your own here, my girl, and if you insist on fixing things, I strongly suggest you make use of that much-touted brain of yours and do it yourself.”

Hermione’s eyes widened and Minerva was certain she was about to launch into an argument in protest. A raised hand preempted that.

“And furthermore,” Minerva said, “should you and Professor Snape at any time decide to mend your relationship, Slytherin House requests that you employ Silencing Spells.”

Cheeks ablaze, Hermione rose and nodded perfunctorily before fleeing the room. “Thank you for your time, Headmistress.”

“Good afternoon, Miss Granger.”