Hermione Snape’s Ten Rules for Severus Management

1. Severus is by nature paranoid, cynical and untrusting. He expects to be deceived. This provides the perfect opportunity to get him to do what you want. Simply instruct him to do the opposite of what you want.

2. If he appears to wise up to this tactic you can employ the double bluff and tell him to do what you want in such a way that he thinks you are trying to manipulate him into doing the opposite so he goes and does what you wanted in the first place.

3. Severus has a tendency to brood. Whilst this is attractive and sexy it should not be encouraged to excess. The sulking Severus should be shagged to within an inch of its life, which will soon perk it up.

4. Severus needs exercise. Make him chase you round the bedroom. For a complete change chase him round the bedroom. This is more difficult as he tends to want to be caught.

5. Severus is, despite his hard-hearted appearance, a very tender little flower that needs to be cosseted and stroked. He should not be left alone for too long as he has a tendency to pine.

6. Sometimes the only way to get information from Severus is to administer veritaserum.

7. Tell him you love him at least once a day. Because it’s true.

8. Severus has a great capacity for misunderstanding the simplest of statements. Always use simple word in clear terms. Sometimes hand signals are a useful aid to communication. It may be necessary to resort to a rolled up newspaper, lightly tapped across the nose, to convey your deep disappointment in his behaviour.

9. When discipline has completely broken down, the weapon of last resort is exile to the sofa. It will not prevent Severus from erring again, but he will be delightfully attentive when he is allowed to return to the bedroom.

10. Never ever trust a Malfoy.