Snape’s Slytherin Secrets

A Guide to Man Management and how to achieve Success in the Modern Wizarding World

101 Rules to Guide you through your meteoric rise to success

Dedicated to my darling Wife

The First Rule
It cannot be stressed enough: NEVER trust a man who wears a purple turban.


The Second Rule
Tattoos and other permanent marks should be eschewed. One may come to regret the choices made in one’s youth; and it would be very limiting to find that one was confined to girlfriend’s called Emily, or indeed compelled to serve a Dark Lord, for a lifetime.


The Third Rule
When negotiating a pay rise, kidnapping one’s employer and taking photographs of him in a compromising position with a goat may not be strictly necessary; however, it is more fun.


The Fourth Rule
Never turn your back on a Malfoy.


The Fifth Rule
Assassination of one’s colleagues in order to secure promotion should only be undertaken when there is someone without an alibi available to be blamed for the crime. If one is particularly skilled in one area, say potions, one should not use poison as the weapon of choice as this would be tantamount to signing a confession.


The Sixth Rule
Honesty is NOT the best policy. Unless you have been caught red-handed; in which case it is best to come clean, apologise profusely, and wait for an opportunity to destroy the evidence.

The Seventh Rule
If all else fails, Obliviate!


The Eighth Rule
It is terribly rude to poison someone whilst they are a guest in your house. Not to mention the difficulties that are likely to ensue with the Aurors. It is far better to wait until they are dining elsewhere. If there is no other alternative, then it is acceptable to use a slow acting poison such that the victim’s death will be sufficiently separated in time from your dinner engagement.



The Ninth Rule
Legilimency should be practiced on all occasions. Only in this way will you be able to anticipate the outrageous and unpredictable demands of an erratic superior. It is sad to say but regardless of whether your putative superior (for no Slytherin would admit that someone were superior to them) is deep-dyed in the blackest hues of evil or a servant of the Light they will still be unable to effectively communicate their own wants and needs.


The Tenth Rule
In the event that Legilimency fails to provide you with the relevant answers, due to the chaotic nature of your superior’s thought processes. It will be necessary to introduce a Muggle concept called Teamworking. There are some amongst us who say that Muggles are uncivilised, but it cannot be denied that this concept allows the blame for mistakes to be evenly distributed round a group of people such that no one person is singled out for punishment.

The more sophisticated individual will readily see the potential for using Teamworking to single out one member of the team, or scapegoat, to use the technical Muggle term, for punishment.


The Eleventh Rule
The temptation to indulge in Divination in an attempt to fathom the intentions of superiors should be avoided. It is unreliable at best. Instead, as you rise through the ranks, you should take every opportunity to influence the thought processes, if any, of your superiors so that they think what you want them to think


The Twelfth Rule
It is important to have some balance in your life. It is not possible or advisable to spend every waking minute of every day plotting your rise to power. It is therefore advisable to make arrangements to go out with friends with common interests at least once a month.

It may be that your employer has reservations about these activities, and if he persists in his objections, it may be necessary to placate him with the suggestion that you do not attend these functions for your own enjoyment but rather for the purposes of gathering information. Consequently, it may be necessary to embroider the details of the evening to satisfy their curiosity.


The Thirteenth Rule
Never underestimate the stupidity of others.


The Fourteenth Rule
Never assume that because someone is stupid that they are not malicious and conniving and capable of stabbing you in the back, whether literally or metaphorically.


The Fifteenth Rule
If you find yourself with a compulsion to kill everyone around you, do not assume that you have a mental health problem, and consider the possibility that everyone around you deserves to die.

This does not extend to people who talk at the breakfast table, no matter how annoying.


The Sixteenth Rule
There is no necessity for learning the art of Necromancy. Not only is it fraught with danger and illegal, it is also very messy and smelly. Nor, having gone to all the effort of despatching your enemies, do I see the need to dig them up and start conversing with them.


The Seventeenth Rule
Black robes are best for hiding unfortunate blood, grass and potions stains.


The Eighteenth Rule
If someone suggests that you might like to sell your soul into eternal damnation for advancement, find out what the over time rates are first. (And check they aren't actually talking about a job as a schoolteacher).


The Nineteenth Rule
Never trust a Malfoy.


The Twentieth Rule
Flattery should be laid on with a trowel. There is no compliment so gross, no praise so overblown, no hyperbolae so overwrought that some idiot somewhere will not believe it.


The Twenty-first Rule
If challenged by a more than usually perspicacious target, then it is possible to recover any lost ground by remarking that you knew all along that they were too intelligent to be taken in by your flattery, thus adding an additional layer of flattery on top of the previous trowel-load.

This technique could always be employed from the very first, by remarking that you know X is too intelligent to be taken by the old flannel that Y is employing. This has the dual effect of flattering X and undermining Y.


The Twenty-Second Rule
When employing flattery, it is best to choose an aspect of someone’s appearance or personality on which they are particularly sensitive. If someone is intelligent, compliment them on their appearance. If someone is attractive, compliment them on their brains.

An attractive person will be aware that they are attractive, but will doubtless be nursing a deep resentment that the world has so far passed over their brains. This means that your compliments will accord with their own view of themselves, and will have all the charm of novelty.


The Twenty-Third Rule
Hypocrisy may be a tribute that vice pays to virtue, but it should not be paid too often.

People distrust anyone who has the appearance of leading an unimpeachable life, and wonder what they are hiding. This is particularly true in the case of Slytherins. It is therefore best to cultivate one or two obvious vices of which to be suitably ashamed. This will allow your fellows to feel superior to you, whilst at the same time being subtly reassured that you are not hiding something.

Of course, you are hiding something.


The Twenty-Fourth Rule
Rules were made to be broken, but only if you can get away with it.


The Twenty-Fifth Rule
There are people who believe that life is governed by some sort of Rousseau-ean social contract that means we should be decent towards each other and, in return, people will be decent to us.

There is one word to describe these people – Gullible.

Or, to put it another way, targets.


The Twenty-Sixth Rule
Death improves some people. Sirius Black for one. Lucius Malfoy for another.


The Twenty-Seventh Rule
Don’t invade Russia just before winter starts.


The Twenty-Eight Rule
They’re not so much Unforgivable, as a Bit Naughty.


The Twenty-Ninth Rule
Always carry a spare wand.


The Thirtieth Rule
Machiavelli made some good points, but we must always remember that he ended his life in poverty and exile. The Prince should be regarded as a Primer in the arts of manipulation rather than the exhaustive and definitive work some amateurs pretend it to be.


The Thirty-first Rule
You can’t fool all of the people all of the time; but you can fool enough of the people enough of the time to make it worth your while.


The Thirty-Second Rule
If someone says that you can trust them, the law of averages suggests that you cannot and should not.


The Thirty-Third Rule
Sometimes you should reconcile with your enemies. This gives you time to re-group, improve your position, and plot more effectively.


The Thirty-Fourth Rule
Did I mention about not trusting a Malfoy?


The Thirty-Fifth Rule
When people ask advice, it is usually for the purpose of having their actions approved so as to have someone convenient to blame when it all goes wrong. Bearing this in mind, any advice should be given with your benefit in mind. In that way, you will have some recompense for having to listen to your friends complaints that they should never have listened to you in the first place.


The Thirty-Sixth Rule
If it is not possible to insult someone because they are too powerful, pay them a compliment instead. If they are stupid, praise their intelligence; if they are ugly, compliment them on their looks. They may be foolish enough to think that you mean what your say, but your confreres will know exactly what you mean.

The Thirty-Seventh Rule
Attention to detail is very important


The Thirty-Eighth Rule
Take the credit for the work of those below you whilst graciously allowing those above you to take credit for your own work. To their face at least. Obviously behind their back you make it quite clear to everybody who exactly is responsible for the successes.

The corollary to this: if something goes well it was your idea, if something goes badly it was a failure of leadership.

The Thirty-Ninth Rule
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. This means that you should not attend every staff meeting that is called.


The Fortieth Rule
If your superior tells you that he is unable to give you the job that he promised – leave. A man’s worth is determined by the price he sets on himself. If he doesn’t set a sufficiently high price on himself, he never achieves his goals, and will watch less-qualified werewolves get a position that they do not deserve.


The Forty-First Rule
You should never indulge in back-stabbing; instead you should invariably procure the services of someone else to perform these little tasks for you.

Unless you really want to do it yourself for personal reasons.


The Forty-Second Rule
When it comes to attracting members of the opposite sex it is not necessary to rely on good looks, or indeed a nice personality. Instead, circulate rumours that have a romantic past full of tragedy and sorrow, and sneer at people as much as possible.

It may also be useful to circulate rumours that you are an extremely talented lover. If this is not the case, then I refer you to rule Seven.


The Forty-Third Rule
Apologies are useful devices for preventing large ego’s from clashing, and should not be taken as literal truth. ‘I am sorry’ is an abbreviation for ‘I am sorry that I have ended up in a position where I have to apologise to you, but I will repay tenfold the humiliation you have heaped on me today’.


The Forty-Fourth Rule
The meek may inherit the earth, but only when the Slytherins have stopped playing with it.

The Forty-Fifth Rule
He who laughs last laughs longest; giving you a perfect opportunity to creep up behind them and hex them.

The Forty-Sixth Rule
Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely. You say that like it’s a bad thing.


The Forty-Seventh Rule
Do not do unto others as you would wish to have done to you – they may have different tastes.

The Forty-Eighth Rule
How can you tell if a Malfoy is lying? Their lips are moving.

The Forty-Ninth Rule
The way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach unless you have a very long knife, but through the breast pocket with a suitably sharp implement.



The Fiftieth Rule
A fool and his money are soon parted; can I interest you in a potion that will make you irresistible to women?


The Fifty-First Rule
Life is like a septic tank; all the big chunks rise to the top.


The Fifty-Second Rule
A good memory is important. However, as time goes on it may become increasingly difficult to keep track of all your enemies and all the lies that you have told. A little black book is a useful device for recording this information. It is vitally important that you never tell anyone of muggle parentage that you have put them in your little black book, as it has an entirely different meaning and can lead to upset and marriage.

The Fifty-Third Rule
Looks can be deceiving. Just because someone looks like an ancient, venerable and wise wizard does not mean he is, particularly if he has a sweet addiction.


The Fifty-Fourth Rule
If your superior is hell-bent on setting a course for disaster and you cannot persuade him to change his mind, suggest that he might like to have a meeting on the issue. In the case of a psychotic and unstable leader who punishes dissension with crucio, it might be more prudent to suggest that a working party be established to thrash out the finer details thus absolving the leader of the administrative burden.

In the case of long-bearded leaders ostensibly working for the cause of good, usually it is sufficient to call either a meeting of the Order of the Phoenix or a staff meeting.


The Fifty-Fifth Rule
Gryffindors are loud, aggressive creatures who shout a lot at meetings and never can agree amongst themselves. (See the Fifty-fourth Rule)


The Fifty-Sixth Rule
However, as they have their heart’s set on leaping out to face danger headlong it would be churlish to refuse them the opportunity to go first in any dangerous situation.

The Fifty-Seventh Rule
Be nice to people from time to time, it unnerves them and makes them wonder what you are up to.

The Fifty-Eighth Rule
Smiling is also effective in that respect. Then they will wonder what you know that they don’t know. The answer to that is obviously everything.

The Fifty-Ninth Rule
If at first you don’t succeed, give up and see who you can delegate the task to. If they do well it is due to inspired leadership; if they fail it is due to their own inadequacies.

The Sixtieth Rule
Shouting at people may not be the most effective method of imparting knowledge; but it is the most enjoyable. When challenged, allege that you are building moral fibre or preparing people for the rigours of life.

After all, it must be remembered that Neville Longbottom would never have been instrumental in bringing down the Dark Lord without the toughening up process I had subjected him to. I believe his exact words were, “After double potions with the Slytherins, Voldemort was a doddle.”

The Sixty-First Rule
Parkinsons, Goyles and Crabbes are rarely to be trusted; but you should NEVER trust a Malfoy.

The Sixty-Second Rule
It is important not to hold grudges in life.

The Sixty-Third Rule
If you have any reason to feel slighted or annoyed by someone’s behaviour it is important to take steps to deal with it before it reaches the point of a grudge. Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but there is no reason to delay things too long.

The Sixty-Fourth Rule
If you intend to take revenge on someone, it is prudent not to be overheard issuing death threats, or indeed threats of any kind. Preserve a discreet silence before hand, and refrain from gloating afterwards other than in the privacy of your own rooms. Even then it would be wise to ensure that the portraits are all turned to the wall.


The Sixty-Fifth Rule
You should not buy gifts of chocolates, flowers or expensive jewellery for your wife or girlfriend merely on occasions when you have committed some fault but should do so on a strictly random basis. In the first place, you should have eliminated guilt from your life by now; in the second place, she will quickly learn to recognise the signs and be aware of your guilt when otherwise it would have passed undetected.

The Sixty-Sixth Rule
You should NEVER forget her birthday or wedding anniversary.


The Sixty-Seventh Rule
You should not be discouraged from seeking advancement by the incompetence and stupidity of your superiors. Look how far they have managed to climb without talent. However, you must learn to ‘fit in’ and appear stupid and incompetent as well because these are clearly the qualities that get you promoted.


The Sixty-Eighth Rule
Being good at your job is a bad thing, as you will become indispensable and therefore unsuitable for promotion.


The Sixty-Ninth Rule
Never trust anyone who says they are right behind you. This either means that they are using you as a human shield, or that they are getting ready to push you off the nearby cliff.


The Seventieth Rule
Never trust anyone who claims to be a sensitive soul. This usually means that they are a solipsistic, narcissistic, self-absorbed psychopath.


The Seventy-First Rule
Never trust anyone who tells you that you have their support. They don’t mean it, and they are usually preparing to abandon you.


The Seventy-Second Rule
If someone tells you that they have already taken care of it, they haven’t.


The Seventy-Third Rule
Sweat plus sacrifice equals success. No one said who had to provide the sweat, and who was going to be the sacrifice.


The Seventy-Fourth Rule
Amateurs worry about strategy. Dilettantes worry about tactics.
Professionals worry about logistics.

The Seventy-Fifth Rule
They that have power to hurt and will do none – are probably in Hufflepuff.


The Seventy-Sixth Rule
Strategy is for people with options. Those without any alternatives must employ courage instead. Outside the lion's cage, you can hatch a plan based on what you know of feline psychology. Inside it, your only hope is to show no fear and look the creature straight in the eye. You simply have to be brave. It will definitely eat you if you're not. It may just decide not to if you are.

Therefore do all that you can to stay out of the lion’s cage.


The Seventy-Seventh Rule
The thing about discipline, is not doing a small number of significantly large things well, it is doing a large number of totally insignificant things that nobody else sees, every time without compromise.

Bear this in mind when hiring assistants. Obviously it doesn’t apply to you.


The Seventy-Eighth Rule
Never allow your staff to think outside the box. Once they start doing that it's next to impossible to get the lid back on.


The Seventy-Ninth Rule
We put petty thieves in Azkaban; we appoint great ones to be Minister for Magic


The Eightieth Rule
You can have power over people as long as you don't take everything away from them. But when you've robbed a man of everything, he's no longer in your power.


The Eighty-First Rule
If you have run out of ideas, schemes and strategies, you can always try telling the truth.

No one will believe you anyway.


The Eighty-Second Rule
Never trust a Malfoy.


The Eighty-Third Rule
A conscience is like an appendix – it serves no useful purpose, and can be very easily removed.


The Eighty-Fourth Rule
The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

The Slytherin sees opportunity in everyone else’s difficulties.


The Eighty-Fifth Rule
You don’t win by dying for your cause; you win by making some other poor bastard die for his cause.


The Eighty-Sixth Rule
Life may indeed be like a box of chocolates. This means you should always secure the strawberry crème before offering the box to anyone else, and that it is always wise to check to see if someone has raided the second layer before the first layer has been eaten.


The Eighty-Seventh Rule
Since we have now gone metric, does this mean that you cant trust a Malfoy a 2.8cm.


The Eighty-Eighth Rule
There is a saying that those who can do, and those who can’t teach. I would like to see the smug bastard that came up with this saying try and teach double potions with Slytherin and Gryffindor and see how long he would last without being blown up.


The Eighty-Ninth Rule
If you take an instant dislike to someone, don’t worry; you are just saving time. A reason to dislike him will almost certainly turn up.


The Ninetieth Rule
A friend in need, is no friend at all.


The Ninety-First Rule
Offering sherbet lemons to everyone that crosses your path is a useful device which allows you to pass as a doddering old fool and thus be under-estimated, gain time to think of a response, or annoy your visitors according to your whim.


The Ninety-Second Rule
It is also difficult for visitors to communicate effectively when their jaws have been sealed with sweeties.


The Ninety-Third Rule
If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. If it can’t go wrong, Longbottom will still manage it.


The Ninety-Fourth Rule
A stupid opponent is more difficult to deal with than a clever one. You can never tell what he is going to do next. This is the only explanation of how Fudge became Minster for Magic.


The Ninety-Fifth Rule
If you find your bitterest enemy lying in a pool of blood with a knife sticking out of his back, the day after you threatened to kill him (see rule Sixty-Four), do not pull the knife out but run for help screaming like a girl.


The Ninety-Sixth Rule
If the best things in life are free, why are so many poor people unhappy?


The Ninety-Seventh Rule
If someone tells you something is for your own good, it isn’t.


The Ninety-Eighth Rule
When someone gives you advice, or passes on a piece of information, always ask for whose benefit they are acting. If something seems to be too good to be true, it usually is.


The Ninety-Ninth Rule
I really mean it about never trusting a Malfoy.


The One Hundredth Rule
The Love of a Good Woman may be Good, but the love of a Bad Woman is Better.


The One Hundredth and First Rule
Don’t allow your wife to read your private documents, unless you like sleeping on the couch. Particularly if she is a Gryffindor, as they do not appreciate irony.