The Fairy Godmother: The Fairy Godmother
by YsM
Disclaimer: never did and never will own it. J.K. Rowling does.
Spoilers: Order of the Phoenix
~ The Fairy Godmother ~
Ys looked around her, blinking and frowning. The huge castle facing her was familiar and she shook her head.
“Oh no, no,” she said softly. “I’m not going there, thank you.”
She moved slightly her shoulders to make sure her PC bag was on her back and smiled with satisfaction.
“Anyway,” she said into thin air. “The current scene in The Power Of A Squib takes place number twelve, Grimmauld Place, not at Hogwarts! There. Ha!”
She cursed herself almost as soon as she said the last word, since the air blurred around her and she found herself in the middle of the kitchen of the Black house. She sat on a chair and buried her head in her hands.
“Bother bother bother bother,” she grumbled. “I swore I wouldn’t write it!”
“Too late now, Mudblood!” shrieked Mrs. Black’s portrait.
Ys jumped on her feet and pointed her index to the old witch.
“You! Shut up! I had your portrait burnt in my last story so if you don’t want that to happen again, leave me alone!”
“Then write that challenge, silly,” sneered Mrs. Black.
“Oh, alright,” she sighed in defeat. “But don’t come complain afterwards. Let’s go back to Hogwarts.”
A soft blur surrounded her again and she was back in front of Hogwarts’ main gate. Sighing, she opened her PC bag and muttered:
“Of course, there’s not a single plug in there. Grrr!”
After hitting the power button, she remembered something and wailed:
“And my battery’s already dying!”
She rummaged through her bag and grumbled again:
“No notepad, no pen, nothing. Alright, note to self: put a notepad and a pen in PC bag. No, wait a minute. If I’m able to write that on a notepad, that means I have one and a pen! Silly me. Hogwarts, beware, you won’t know what’s going to hit you!”
She sat cross-legged on the floor and added:
“Not that I know either. I mean, I have Power Of a Squib to finish, so that Wendy can have her scene of Harry being hang up by the thumbs, toes or whatever, there’s Cross of Feathers and Bones who’s shouting at me to be written and Dragon Tamers who’s wondering when on earth I’m coming back to them… I mean, sure, I have nothing else to do than write that challenge! And I hate parties!”
Still grumbling, she began scribbling on her notepad, an evil grin on her lips – even though she hadn’t the faintest idea of a title for her story…
~*~
Ys sashayed into the Great Hall, flanked by Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe, who were acting as her bodyguards. She took a survey of the situation. The New Year’s Eve party had already begun and someone was singing Christmas carols horribly off-key, making Ys shudder.
“Must be Grr Arrg,” she thought. “She told us she was an terrible singer…”
Fortunately, in a corner, there was a sign claiming “Lord and Lady Snape Shop”. Ys opened huge eyes and almost ran there, leaving Crabbe and Goyle behind. Anyway, they weren’t of any interest to the story. There was a girl that could only be Joyous Trouble, sitting on the lap of one Seamus Finnigan.
“Joy!” Ys shouted gleefully. “So glad to finally meet you!”
“Ys? What is this place?”
“Uh… Hogwarts… New Year Eve’s party? My challenge story?”
“Argh! Not Lockhart, please?”
“No worries to have here. I’m nice. Well, mainly. That is, I think. By the way, could I have some earmuffs? If Grr Arrg sings some Britney, I’m afraid I’ll have an heart attack before even finishing the story.”
“No problem, here you go.”
Joy’s smile disappeared as soon as she saw Goyle approaching and she snarled menacingly. The big Slytherin stepped back immediately and Ys chuckled.
“Good guard dog, Joy.”
Joy winked and snarled some more, for Crabbe’s benefit this time.
~*~
Some place else, Severus was facing Hermione, a casket opened in front of him.
“The scorpion or the grasshopper! Choose now!”
Hermione blinked in surprise.
“What is that text?”
Severus frowned.
“No idea. Who is the dialog writer?” he asked, looking around.
“That would be me,” said someone cheerfully and a girl with a pixie face appeared suddenly in front of them, sitting cross-legged in the air.
“And you are?”
“Ys, also known as YsM for some reasons independent of my will. The writer of this story. That’s why I can do anything I want.”
“This text is stupid!” raged Hermione, not noticing Severus who seemed to recognise the name. “We’re in the Harry Potter series, not the Phantom of the Opera!”
“Then what? I’ve always wanted Severus to say this line to you. By the way, Severus, you’re Muggle-born and Hermione is the Heir of Slytherin.”
“Since when?”
“Since right now. And I see Bellatrix coming this way, so I suggest you go back to your lines before I tell her what I just revealed.”
Sighing, Severus took place once again in front of Hermione.
“The scorpion or the grasshopper! Choose now!”
“What am I supposed to answer?” said Hermione, exasperated.
“Really, Ys, this line doesn’t go well with me.”
“Hmm, you may have a point here. How about…”
Severus smirked.
“Alright. Ready, Hermione?”
She shrugged.
“Choose me or the fire…”
Ys cackled with joy and left as Hermione was pestering against Severus and asking questions about this mental author.
~*~
During this time, Shem was sitting alone, nursing a strong Firewhiskey. Ys plopped down next to her.
“Hello Shem. Why are you feeling so down?”
“Severus and Hermione. They’re together, you know.”
“Uh uh.”
“And he’s mine! Well, mine and Corazon and Mary’s… You know, Mary Suezette. And this Hermione irritates me. She buggered me during my morning coffee.”
“Terrible offence,” said Ys sympathetically.
“And Filch is following me everywhere,” added Shem.
“Ah, the Filch wars! But I thought Zephyr was taking care of him right now?”
“She’s probably far too busy with Draco. Or else, she’s whining with Grr Arrg because Hermione doesn’t want to leave Severus’s side.”
“I see. I’ll speak with him. He owes me a favour, since he’s one of the main characters of The Power Of A Squib. By the way, I think I… uh, caused havoc between Severus and Hermione. So you really don’t like Hermione, do you?”
“Not right now,” grumbled Shem, who was grouchy due to lack of sleep.
Ys wrote a note somewhere and smiled encouragingly.
“Alright, don’t worry too much, I’ll take care of this!”
She sprinted away, waving her wand at a lonely Lucius, who suddenly found himself surrounded by WendyNat and Crooked Cat. The two girls squealed in delight and jumped on the blonde wizard, who was far too dumbstruck to react.
“Thanks, Ys!”
“My pleasure. After all, I’m not available now to let you share my lap, Crooked! Far too busy.”
Only two steps later, Ys almost died, hugged to death by Estrilda, followed by a happy Bill Weasley.
“Need… to… breathe… Estrilda. Holy Toledo Batman, did you need to do that?”
“What does that mean?” asked Estrilda, perplexed.
“No idea, but it was a requirement of the story.”
“Look, it’s Fervesco!”
Ys turned her head around to see a girl with a black dog on a leash.
“Alright,” she mumbled, writing down some more notes. “Fervesco taken care of… Remain… oh, far too much people. Sorry, Estrilda, got to run. Have fun!”
As she was leafing through her notepad, Ys hit someone very hard, but still being the writer of the story, didn’t fall – it would have been very undignified. The other one though did fall and seeing the pink hair, Ys sighed.
“Tonks, couldn’t you stop a moment being so clumsy? My schedule’s heavy, I have no time to lose. Petrificus Totalus. Amber! Come here!”
Amber Snape appeared almost immediately and her eyes shone when seeing Tonks.
“May I, Ys, please? May I have her?”
“Even though I didn’t get Charlie nor Bill in your story–”
“I already explained–”
“Yes, yes. There you go, she’s all yours, and this one too, for good measure.”
A flick of her wand and Alastor Moody stood next to Amber, looking at her with what seemed to be an appreciative smile. Amber squealed in delight, while Ys shook her head indulgently.
“One down, too much to go…”
~*~
“Now, time to take care of Hermione, she’s really getting on my nerves. And it might still help me further with Shem. So, where are they?”
She finally spotted Severus and Hermione and it didn’t look like they were murmuring tender nothings to each other. In fact, Hermione’s shrieks could be heard from where Ys was.
“I know that site! That’s where they are owners of people like us! And they refuse to give me my freedom! And this Ys, I know her too! She made me bite my tongue through and lose my child and become barren and even die!”
“And if you continue to get on my nerves like this, I’ll make you die once again, very painfully this time,” said Ys amiably. “See over there?”
“That’s Crookshanks!”
“Well, in fact, if I’m to believe my notes, it’s not. Especially since it’s Crooked Cat who’s purring next to him. So it would be Lucius Malfoy. Now, be nice or I’ll call him over and both Crooked and Wendy owe me a favour.”
“Keep Malfoy away from me!”
Severus and Ys exchanged a quick glance.
“Shall I call Bellatrix so that she takes care of her – and proves to her that she’s the real one – or do we call her owners?”
“I’m not owned by anyone!” screeched Hermione. “I campaigned for the House Elves’ rights, why should I be enslaved?”
“Because, let me see… Grr Arrg and Zephyr said so.”
From the corner of her eyes, Ys saw Joy enter the Great Hall with Fred and George Weasley, wearing a happy yet tired smile. She frowned slightly, thinking that she had lost too much time, if Joy was already back.
“Severus, go there, my dear friend Joy is waiting for you. Do tell her also that Shem might want to join. Corazon is… uh… absent tonight, but Mary’s offering brandy in the Potions classroom. Joy! Over there! Here’s your reward for updating the owners database without complaining, even though we were all changing our mind every so often. Would you mind sharing with Shem afterwards, if he can still walk, that is? She’s a bit down tonight and she could do with some fun.”
“Will do,” said Joy, grinning from ear to ear. “Fred, George, be nice and don’t forget, I want royalties on everything you might sell!”
As Joy was leading Severus away, Ys wrote down:
“Severus taken care of.”
Hermione read above her shoulder.
“Taken care of? What do you mean? Who is this girl?”
“Joy, Shem’s guard dog. She only bites when someone’s not nice to Shem. You’re lucky I distracted her with Severus, because you disturbed Shem’s morning coffee and that should be punished with at least Cruciatus. I think Bellatrix was trying to teach you politeness, but you didn’t listen. So I’m afraid I don’t have any choice… Mobilicorpus! Perfect. Now, to find Grr Arrg and Zephyr. There, it looks like Draco… Uh, is it Draco? Darn it, Zephyr did it again: she dressed him as a girl! Harry would be rolling on the floor laughing if he saw that.”
“Mistress shouldn’t treat Miss Hermione like this. Dobby doesn’t think it is right.”
“Shut up, Dobby,” said Ys distractedly. “You’ve done enough things for Hermione like this, if I’m to believe what I’ve read for the 1 million hits challenge. I’m not into such things, so go find Harry, will you? Lorena Snape, the one over there, is feeling lonely and I don’t think that Hedwig is going to cheer her up, so bring Harry to her. Once you’ve done that, you can go see Ira or Fleab, they like you apparently. Or Amethyst, but I didn’t see her yet.”
Dobby nodded in excitement and left immediately.
“Pfff. Why on earth did I decide to be everybody’s fairy godmother tonight?”
~*~
Ys took off her earmuffs – which never bothered her to hear the others, since it only blocked Grr Arrg’s singing – and winced, knowing immediately where Grr Arrg was. And where she was, Zephyr was never far. Ys headed their direction, jumping lightly above Ryn and Percy who were on the floor and mumbled:
“You said between the sheets, Ryn, not on the ground…”
She then passed Maddy Riddle who had given up tearing Ginny from Grr Arrg and was fighting with Andrian for Remus. The poor werewolf looked at Ys with hope in his eyes but she shook her head.
“Can’t do anything, old boy. It says right here that Maddy Riddle is your owner, along with Fervesco. I think that you should be lucky that Ferv’s busy with Sirius. Right now, I would suggest you propose the ladies a threesome.”
As soon as Hermione saw Grr Arrg and Zephyr, she began struggling against her bonds.
“Not them! They pretend to own me and they want me to do disgusting things!”
“Well, sweetie, that’s either them or that interesting session of torture that Bellatrix, Amethyst, Lucius and Wendy were willing to give you last time I checked the Lord and Lady Snape’s site.”
“But it’s Lord and Lady Snape!” whined Hermione. “I should be with Severus!”
“Yes, well, you’ve been found wanting. Grr Arrg, stop a moment with Ginny, will you? Zephyr, you let Argus loose again and Shem is complaining and Draco is wandering around in your clothes. By the way, girls, that’s for you and good riddance, I say. Don’t see why you would want her, she doesn’t stop complaining. Have fun and do NOT tell me about it, thank you. Oh, and last thing, do try to control her, this time!”
She left hurriedly, not wanting to see anything that Grr Arrg and Zephyr could come up with and she would have almost pitied Hermione, if she hadn’t irritated her so much with her haughty tone on the LnLS site. As she continued to leaf through her notepad, she stopped dead as she read the following line: Pairing Voldemort and Minerva McGonagall.
“I forgot that!” she wailed. “Where is McGonagall? There!”
A flick of her wand and the cat who was trying to leave inconspicuously the Great Hall was turned back into Minerva McGonagall who glared at the pixie-like face in front of her. Another flick of wand and Lord Voldemort himself appeared suddenly next to McGonagall.
“I am Snape, the Potions Master!” he boomed, in a voice that sounded curiously like…
“Jeremy Irons!” shouted a… uh… someone.
“Girl? Llama? Max von Sydow? Never understood this story,” muttered Ys. “Anyway, it must be Fleab.”
“I don’t care, Alan Rickman is a much better Snape!” replied hotly a girl, who could only be Snapesflower, considering that, after the owner database, she was Alan Rickman’s owner.
“No, Voldemort has the voice of Jeremy Irons,” replied Ira, who was sitting between Idamae and Fleab, cradling her Longbottom award in her arms.
“There is something wrong,” said Voldemort, shaking his head. “They should be terrified and not even dare to say my name. So I will leave. Minnie, my sweet, come here!”
He swept McGonagall off her feet before anyone could do anything and Disapparate-ed, even though one cannot Apparate in Hogwarts. Argus Filch, who had just finished reading the last chapter of the Arithmancy Dating Agency from Shiv, looked inconsolable to have lost Minerva. So he went back to his owner and offered her the use of the manacles in his office to break in the rebellious Hermione. Ys crossed another line in her notepad and looked around her, satisfied.
Someone tapped on her shoulder.
“I’m Nicklebagoffunk, Secretary of the Knights of Walpurgis. What did you do with You-Know-Who? I own him.”
“Yes, yes, I know, but see, it’s a plus to have Voldemort with McGonagall. But I saw Bellatrix earlier, so you can claim her again. Sorry not to stay, but I have to take care of other things.”
~*~
Ys was making her way toward the exit when she passed near DisenchantedGlow who was busy with Blaise Zabini, as it should be – another line crossed in the notepad – but she felt obligated to mention that Lara had taken Oliver away. Metamuse was coming through the doors, scowling, and Ys checked her list hurriedly. Nothing. She checked again. Still nothing. Ducking a potion that Neville had once again botched – why on earth was Librarianhawk trying to teach him Potions nonetheless? Was she missing some melted cauldrons for her collection? – she read again and again her notepad, but there was nothing for Metamuse. She had claimed no one.
Ys felt panic bubbling. This would not do. She was going to improvise and she didn’t like it.
“You sent Shem off with Severus, didn’t you?” asked Metamuse.
“Uh… yes. Actually, Joy had him first. Look, I got him for you. You said you liked Death Eaters.”
A discreet flick of wand and Mulciber appeared behind Metamuse. He was a specialist of Imperius, if Ys remembered well. It should please Metamuse.
Midnight was coming near and Ys made sure that every writer she was passing by suddenly found herself with someone in front of her, very willing. Aoibheann was facing a smiling Justin Finch-Fletchley, while PotionsMistressM was willingly following Dean. Then she saw Severus make his way toward the crowd, heading straight for her. This was impossible. A quick spell and the impossibility was confirmed: the noises coming from the dungeons indicated clearly that Joy and Shem weren't finished with the Potions master. So it had to be someone Polyjuiced. Usually it was Argus, but Ys knew he was still with Zephyr. The one impersonating Severus stopped in front of her.
“Where is Shem?”
Then Ys knew and laughed softly. As midnight stroke, she waved her wand and the false Severus turned into a pumpkin. Ys bowed to the people looking at her.
“The princess has arrived, she didn’t need her carriage any longer. I give you Imhilien.”
Imhilien stepped forward, a bit surprised to be distinguished like this, and soon the attention had wavered away from Ys, who smirked at the pumpkin.
“No hard feeling, Corazon, I hope. But frankly, I saw right through your disguise. Ta!”
Sighing with relief from having avoided another problem, Ys finally made it outside, but not before she saw Mars asking Fervesco about her Dunderhead award, making Sirius quite cross. The cool air was calming and Ys took a stroll toward the lake, only to be stopped by someone she recognised at once.
“Hello, Bane. Funny meeting you so near Hogwarts.”
“Mars is bright tonight,” replied the centaur.
Ys rolled her eyes as Bane followed her toward the lake.
“I like the part where he stops moving. And where he stops talking too,” she muttered.
There, on the shore of the lake, Ron was crying in the squid’s tentacles, howling that he wanted to become like his new friend because Holden didn’t even look at him. The squid was rolling its eyes, wondering if somebody would come to its help. It came in the strangest way ever: Dumbledore arrived, popped a sherbet lemon in the squid’s mouth, waited for Ron to wail once again and forced another sherbet lemon in his open mouth. Not ten seconds after, Ron and the squid were dancing something that was supposedly a waltz and it was absolutely awkward and terrible.
“I think I prefer Grr Arrg’s singing,” grumbled Ys and Bane nodded fervently.
Dumbledore joined a girl who was wearing only a pearl necklace and Ys frowned a moment before remembering Dulce’s story.
“What did you do to them, Albus?” wondered Diane, a.k.a Snapesbbwlover.
“The sherbet lemons. They contain an illicit substance. It makes them addictive for one, but mostly, it makes people feel cheerful. Never thought why my eyes were always twinkling that much? Anyway, I’m afraid that Ron and the squib reacted to it a bit too much.”
Ys looked once again at the horrible spectacle and muttered:
“Must call Friendly Quark. She wrote an amazing Ron in A Terrible Temptation and here he’s being destroyed. Now the question is: where is Amethyst?”
~*~
They heard a strange sound coming from the Forbidden Forest and didn’t wait long. Ys jumped on Bane’s back, who galloped toward the direction they had heard the noise coming from. White-faced, two women came out of the Forest.
“Don’t go there!” warned the first one. “It’s… argh, I have no word!”
“Calm down, Rilla,” said the other one, who wasn’t faring that much. “I’m April Grey, by the way. Amethyst is there and I don’t think she wants to be disturbed.”
“I have to check,” sighed Ys. “The list, you understand.”
“Well, don’t say we didn’t warn you,” said Rilla.
Bane and Ys thus entered the Forest and, stepping in a clearing, went pale.
“Amet…” growled Grawp.
“Grawp Grawp Grawp,” sang Amethyst over and over.
Ys swallowed hard and looked down at her list.
“Alright, already taken care of,” she said, her voice shaking. “Note: should talk to Fervesco to make sure that she really deserves the Dunderhead award for that. Can we go, Bane, please? I need to ask Shem for some eyebleach after that.”
Bane was only waiting for her to ask and turned around quicker than he had come in.
“Something wicked this way comes,” murmured Ys. “Or rather came. Argh, wrong choice of words! Bad image, bad!”
“I thought you were supposed to be holding a toad while singing that,” remarked Bane.
“Yes, well, I didn’t have an orchestra and a choir at the moment,” she retorted testily.
Almost out of the Forbidden Forest, she shouted:
“Amethyst, Wendy said you were a Muggle-lover and a spy!”
A shout of rage answered her:
“Crucio! Where is she? I’ll kill her!”
Ys sniggered as Bane continued to gallop toward Hogwarts. She was almost ready to leave – tired from playing the fairy godmother to one and all – when Clair Snape said miserably:
“You’ve forgotten me. And I’ve reviewed every single chapter of Salazar’s Heir.”
Ys blushed deeply and swore under her breath. Quick, she consulted her notepad.
“Hmm, Terry Boot is free for adoption. Want him? He was nice in my story. Some reviewers even wanted him to steal Hermione from Severus.”
“Deal,” said Clair. “It’s not as if I have the choice anyway. All the good guys are already taken. By the way, if you want to leave, hurry, because Titania is on her way.”
“Thank you for the tip! Bye, Bane, thank you for the ride!”
Sadly the centaur left, going back to the Forbidden Forest, though he carefully avoided the place where Amethyst had last been seen, and with a pop, Ys disappeared.
~*~
Back to where she had started her story, she suddenly stopped, looking again at the words THE END written down on the last page, and she screamed in frustration.
“I can believe it! I gave each and everyone those they own and I didn’t even take care of myself!”
Two arms slipped around her waist.
“As if I could ever forget you, darling,” murmured Charlie in her ear. “You silly, this is a Mary Sue challenge, only good things can happen to you.”
Ys sighed in pleasure in Charlie’s arms.
“I was quite busy this evening, love. I think we need to continue this in a quieter place.”
“As you wish, darling. Oh, did you tell Hermione that I was deliriously happy to be owned by you?”
“She had other things to think of, Charlie. I made her break up with Severus. But Joy and Shem took care of any broken heart he could have had.”
“That’s nice. I didn’t like that she wanted me to be free from you. I’m perfectly content where I am.”
“I know that, love,” purred Ys as Charlie was already taking her away, making her giggle. “By the way,” she shouted, “don’t forget to review! I can do worse!”
“No, you can’t,” said Charlie’s voice in the distant.
“Well, no, but no need for them to know that. It’s already silly enough like that.”
The End
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