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| kabochon | 2005.10.18 - 11:44PM | 1: Shudder | Signed |
| That's hot! Good job! | |||
| Satoni | 2005.08.16 - 09:27AM | 1: Shudder | Signed |
| not really into poetry, but I liked it altogether. Don't really know what kind of relationship their having....sorry, for me no 'subconsiously coming across' but hey, I'm really not that well trained in analysing poetry.... :) Cheers, Snibbles | |||
| Tarah_Fae | 2005.04.25 - 09:05AM | 1: Shudder | Signed |
| I get the impression that Severus is toying with her - whether it is in a nasty or a benign way isn't clear. I can't tell whether her frustration is momentary or deep seated. Very powerful imagery and in so few words - poems are difficult to write! | |||
| justme | 2005.04.23 - 03:31PM | 1: Shudder | Signed |
| Amending prior review...more detail overall. Still brilliant, buteven more so with greater detail. Still lovin it!!! | |||
| Leonora Christina Karlsson | 2005.04.20 - 11:37AM | 1: Shudder | Anonymous |
| I like this poem very much! I think it's beautiful and sensual, but at the same time, there's this darkness lurking. It's like she's being swallowed up by -his- darkness. It doesn't sound like a happy relationship - it sounds as if the relationship is somehow destroying her - or at least trapping her in some way. I don't know if this was what you intended - but if it was, then you've done it very well! Author's Response: I think you've got exactly what I was going for when I originally wrote this (I think this is the fourth version). Thank you, thank you, thank you! | |||
| Daywahyn | 2005.04.20 - 09:45AM | 1: Shudder | Signed |
| The imagery you present is really beautiful. The poem on a whole is a little confusing and that detracts from the over-all a bit.
"in the room of her mind
her fist slams into the mirror
shattering any illusions she might still have" was my favorite part.
I hope you'll keep posting. I'd enjoy reading more of your work. Author's Response: I'm glad you like those lines - that was the part I had the most trouble with. This is still a work-in-progress, though. If there's something in partucular that's confusing you, I can rework it to make it clearer; that is, after all, the point - to make sure the picture in your head corresponds with the one in mine. Of course I think I'm being clear when I might not be, but I look at it too much to be able to tell. Thank you so much for your feedback! | |||
| justme | 2005.04.20 - 01:40AM | 1: Shudder | Signed |
| Did he really touch her, or is she just hot for teacher? A little more detail would be lovely, but all in all a nice beginning Author's Response: It was my intention that they really were/are together, but yes, she's ht for him, too. (Wouldn't we all be?) Were you thinking more detail of this particular instance, or of the relationship as a whole? | |||
| gummibear | 2005.04.19 - 09:05PM | 1: Shudder | Signed |
| this certainly does not sound like a happy relationship to me. people do not slam fists into mirrors, even inside of their minds, while in a happy relationship. neither do they long to be swallowed by darkness, at least not by my reckoning. even though there is none of severus's perspective in this piece, i believe i can tell that he is not the cute and cuddly misunderstood gentleman that others would have him out to be (myself included). i enjoyed this because it makes me think. Author's Response: You're right; this isn't particularly happy. I just wanted to explore another side of the relationship. Honestly, I like him a bit cuddly, too. Thanks so much for your feedabck! | |||
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